Hijikagu?
by WritingStoriesInClass101
Summary: On a boring day, Sougo once again slacks off and tries to find something interesting to do. Little did he know how interesting things could truly get, especially when it involved a Yato and a demon vice chief. Why was China with Hijikata? This can't be a d-date can it? May or may not be an OkiKagu story. Has swearing. More characters will get involved. COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

**Gintama belongs to Sorachi-sensei. All hail the Gorilla!**

 **Kagura is the usual 14, Sougo 18, Hijikata 20+ etc. Swearing is present because it's Gintama Dammit!**

* * *

Sougo was bored.

He was currently walking around Edo, hands in pocket whilst chewing some gum.

No incidents were occurring during his patrol and this disappointed him greatly.

Maybe he should go bother the Yorozuya bunch or try to blow up Hijikata-san...again.

A nap would be okay too, anything would be better than this boring peacefulness.

Little did he know how much he'd regret these words later.

Turning a corner, Sougo found himself in the busy shopping district of the city.

He hoped there were some pickpockets around or something.

In the middle of a yawn, he caught sight of a very familiar head of vermilion hair.

The blank look in his eyes sharpened, "China huh?" he muttered.

He immediately made his way towards her.

Though his expression remained dead-pan, there was a skip in his step and any traces of the sleepiness he had mere moments ago were gone.

As he got closer, he began thinking about how best to 'greet' her.

Seeing as she was eyeing a nearby food truck constantly, he decided on a "Yo Pig girl, Are you always hungry?"

He was only mere feet away from her now, but China still didn't seem to have noticed him.

This somewhat irritated him, how dare the brat not feel his commanding presence?

He'll show her soon enough: not paying attention to one's surroundings was a big mistake.

A spar with China was just the thing to kill his bored-ness.

Sougo opened his mouth to greet/insult her when he suddenly choked. Utter shock, a very rare expression for him, was on his face.

There, heading towards the China girl, holding two crepes, was Hijikata-san.

What's worse was how China greeted the vice-chief: with a big, disgusting smile.

Blurgh!

Sougo wiped the sides of his mouth.

His thoughts were still trying to process what he just saw.

China with Hijikata-san?

China _with_ Hijikata-san!

What the hell was going on?!


	2. Chapter 2

"It took you long enough!" Kagura told Hijikata, immediately taking the crepe from his hand.

She picked the bigger one of course.

"Thank you Hijikata-san! You are so kind Hijikata-san! Hijikata-san you must've been tired waiting so long in line, you're great Hijikata-san!

Any of those will do, ungrateful brat!" Hijikata growled.

Kagura ignored him, she was already digging into her crepe.

Hijikata, who wasn't a fan of sweets, promptly took out his on-hand mayonnaise bottle and began draping his crepe with it.

"Oy Mayo addict, that's disgusting. Don't you feel sorry for the crepe? It lived all its life just to end up becoming dog food." Kagura commented.

Hijikata twitched, this girl was starting to sound more and more like that idiot boss of hers.

"Says the one who asked to put extra sugar and syrup on her crepe, That's a diabetes nightmare right there." He retorted, cringing at the sight of some syrup dripping all over her hand.

"Heh? It's your fault anyway, Gin-chan said sweet things makes you feel full faster and you told me you'd buy me only one crepe," she licked at the runaway syrup, "Be happy Mayo addict, the sugar saved you from me forcibly making you buy me more."

Hijikata 'Tch!'-ed but didn't bother to argue further.

Meanwhile, a very confused and curious first division captain was hiding behind a nearby stall, he had watched the whole exchange, though he couldn't catch all the things they said.

-.-.-.-

"That damn Hijikata." Sougo growled. He had always wanted to know the vice-chiefs deep dark secrets for black mail purposes but he never expected him being a pedophile to be one of them. This, at first glance looked like, dare he say it? A date.

"Blurgh!" Sougo once again mimicked vomiting.

This was just too weird, even for Gintama... scratch that, nothing was too weird for Gintama. Still, Sougo, for many reasons, known and unknown, felt really negative about this new situation.

"Geez! ..." Hijikata suddenly said. Okita once again paid close attention to them.

He wished he hadn't.

"Blurgh!"

Hijikata had taken out his handkerchief and, to Sougo's shock and disgust, wiped the bit of cream at the corner of China's mouth.

"You eat like an animal." he told her.

"What the hell..." Sougo muttered weakly, he felt sick, what was he seeing right now?

"WHAT THE HELL HIJIBAKA!" ("Who the hell is Hijibaka!?" Hijikata retorted.) Kagura shouted, pushing his hand away.

Sougo had to admit, he felt relieved that at least the China girl seemed to find this weird as heck too.

"I was just about to lick that off, what a waste of food!" China added.

"That's what you were angry about?!" Sougo growled. Damn, he wasn't used to being the straight man.  
He leaned against the stall he was hiding behind and sighed. Maybe it was time to get some reinforcements or,  
in other words, make another person suffer this weird situation with him.

He made a phone call, during which, He saw Hijikata throw his handkerchief at China and told her to eat it if she was that concerned about wasting food.  
China then threw her crepe wrapper in his face which made Hijikata freak out because there was syrup in his eyes.

"You better get here soon." Sougo said on the phone, now that the two were finished eating, they would probably go somewhere else if this really was a 'blurgh!' date.

He hung up.

Maybe he should just reveal himself and ask them what was going on.

Then again, the thought of actually hearing it from Hijikata's or China's mouth that they were on a date, was too disgusting that he decided against it.

He will just have to watch and wait.


	3. Chapter 3

Sougo was glad Hijikata took long in the bathroom.  
China felt no remorse though for the eye syrup incident and greeted him with a "Drama queen." comment when he got back.

The two got into a small argument again but Sougo didn't care to listen in. He was busy trying to catch sight of his reinforcement.

"Okita-san!" he heard from behind him. Sougo immediately grabbed the person and dragged him into his hiding spot.

His reinforcement was … Shinpachi.

The poor guy stared at him, confused as to why they were hiding.

"Don't shout, got that?" Sougo warned, then pointed at the two he ahd been spying on.

Silence. Was this good?

Shinpachi's head suddenly ballooned.

Nope, this was not good.

"WHAT THE HELL!" he burst, Sougo quickly slapped a hand over his mouth and hid deeper behind the stall.

Their targets had turned their heads towards their direction.

Shit, he should have gotten Yamazaki instead, at least that guy could stay quiet, not to mention, was more afraid of him  
than this glasses was.

"Huh? That sounded like Pachi-boy right now." He heard China comment.

The two in hiding held their breaths.

After a moment...

"That was probably just some pleb that underestimated the prices at a stall or something." Hijikata said.

Sougo sighed.

He let go of Shinpachi and the poor guy scrambled onto his feet.

"What is going on Okita-san? Why is Kagura-chan and Hijikata-san together?" He asked.

"You think I'd still be here hiding if I knew? So far, they just ate crepes together." Sougo told him,  
"You seem calm now, shout like that again and we'll be discovered." He warned, eyes narrowed.

Shinpachi stepped back.

"Huh? I only shouted earlier because I realized you lied about the half off Otsu-chan merchandise." Shinpachi said,  
"That wasn't nice lying about something that important, Okita-san."

Die you idiot glasses, Sougo thought. He definitely should have called Yamazaki instead, at least he wasn't a loud mouth otaku.

The two watched the unlikely duo, whom were currently arguing because apparently, Gin-chan's knowledge was wrong and  
someone wanted another crepe.

Sougo turned to look at Shinpachi.

He wasn't reacting like he thought he would.

The main reason why he had called him was firstly, his straight-man comments were a tad better than Yamazaki's,  
the next being that him and the China girl were much closer and maybe he could either provide better insight on things or...

Frankly, Sougo thought it would be fun seeing him freak out and maybe even overreact and interrupt Hijikata and China.  
There would have been some blood at least.

Yet, This glasses was pretty calm.

"I thought you'd be more upset seeing your whatever-china-is-to-you with that mayo addict." he told Shinpachi.

"I don't really see something to be upset about." Shinpachi replied, " _except the false hope you gave me about Otsu-chan merchandise._ " he whispered.

Okita ignored him. His gaze once again fell back upon their targets.

Hijikata had cut the line at the crepe truck and was shouting at the cashier to give him a crepe for 'an annoying monster brat',  
said monster brat was mimicking an evil laugh while she hovered her foot menacingly over a bottle of mayonnaise.

For some reason, the scene annoyed Sougo, China seemed to be enjoying herself with that bastard.

He looked at Shinpachi again.

"So you're not disturbed at all that a grown man might be on a date with a young uh girl?." he caught himself before he said 'monster'.

"Not really, it's probably not a date, they could have just bumped into each other or something. Those two are among the most unlikely people to go on dates,  
especially with each other." Shinpachi replied, "Plus, I don't think Hijikata-san is perverted like that.

"Hmm..." Sougo mumbled, the glasses had a point. Aside from Hijikata buying China a crepe, there was nothing date-like about their interaction at all.  
Even their conversations seem to just be arguing and banter. Well there was that handkerchief thing and that smile China gave Hijikata  
kept floating back into his mind.

While he pondered this, he failed to notice Shinpachi starting to freak out beside him.

"Okita-san!" Shinpachi shouted for the umpteenth time.

The captain finally heard him.

"What? Stop shouting." Sougo told him.

"Never mind about that! LOOK!" Shinpachi pointed, his finger trembled.

Sougo followed his gaze and-

Blurgh!

There, winding through the crowds of people, was Hijikata, directly behind him was China girl,  
they were holding hands.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N incredibleflan: haha, I guess you gotta wait a little longer, i plan to make Sougo and Shinpachi suffer a bit more with the mystery mehahaha! *_*, thanks for the review!**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: first of all, your username is awesome \\(^_^)/ . Also, glad you like the fic, I miss okikagu too,T_T . Don't worry there will be more of this huhu!**

* * *

Sougo and Shinpachi had been following Kagura and Hijikata for a while now,

once the two had walked off, holding hands 'Blurgh!', Sougo had dragged a flabbergasted Shinpachi with him on their trail.

Sougo tried his best not to think about what he was seeing right now.

He couldn't recall Hijikata ever holding hands with anyone, even his sister, Mitsuba.

There was that time Sougo had handcuffed him with the Yorozuya boss, but that was involuntary.

Ahead of Sougo, he could clearly see that it was Hijikata leading the way, holding China's hand purposely. 'Blurgh!'

On a side note, Sougo planned already, after clearing this weirdness up of course, to double his attempts to kill that bastard vice chief

for making him feel disgusted so many times today.

"Hijikata-san ...Kagura-chan...hands...holding...pervert..." He heard Shinpachi mutter every once in a while.

Great, the glasses was broken, Sougo thought.

"Oy, get yourself together." Sougo told him.

"Bu-but Okita-san, this can't be 'that' can't it?" Shinpachi asked, clearly still panicking.

"Be what? Use proper words, idiot glasses." Sougo replied, though he already knew what the glasses meant.

"A D-d-d-date!" Shinpachi burst.

Sougo cringed, "Good job glasses, you've made me feel sick as well too to-"

But he didn't finish.

"AHHHHHH!" Kagura's voice came.

The two frantically tried to find her, they had lost sight of their targets during their talk.

No way, Sougo thought. Did that Hijikata-bastard do something?

But this is China we're talking about, that girl can probably kick Hijikata's ass if needed.

There! They spotted Kagura standing in front of a shop. Hijikata stood beside her, rubbing his shoulder.

"What the hell was that China? You nearly tore my arm off, dammit!" Hijikata growled.

"But look! it's assorted sukonbu!" Kagura exclaimed excitedly, her eyes sparkled whilst staring at a packet being sold at the stall.

Their spies face-palmed. Apparently, Kagura's sukonbu radar went off, causing her to shout in joy and run towards the shop with poor Hijikata in tow.

The two spies, whom, just a few seconds ago, seemed to be on the verge of panic, looking for what they thought would be a Kagura-in-trouble,

simultaneously sighed.

Shinpachi in relief and exasperation, Sougo in tiredness and slight irritation.

"I hope the sukonbu is poisoned." Sougo said nonchalantly.

Shinpachi flinched, "Okita-san that's too much!"

"No, Her sukonbu addiction is too much. She should also give some to Hijikata-san. Two bastards taken out at once, That would be a good day." Sougo replied.

Dammit, why was he wasting his time following these two? He should just go home and nap, then torture Hijikata-san later for the truth.

He couldn't take watching this idiotic pair anymore.

It has only made him sick so far and wasn't entertaining at all.

He was just about to tell Shinpachi the operation was over when-

"Hey..." he heard the China say, Sougo turned to look at her and felt his stomach churn again for another vomit: That Monster girl was blushing!

What came out of her mouth next though, really made him throw up the rest of his stomach's contents, along with a little blood.

"...You know I love you right?" China said.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Forever-a-Cumberbitch: thanks! glad you think its good, and who knows, maybe Kagura might have a harem end or something *wink wink* or new guys might enter mwahaha.**

* * *

"Oy..." Hijikata started, he looked just as shocked as the two spying were.

It wasn't everyday a girl confessed their love in front of you, "Stop that will ya? That's embarrassing." He added and,  
to Sougo's horror (cue more blood vomit.), the demon vice chief blushed too.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Shinpachi screamed.

Sougo 'Tch!'-ed.

"Hey glasses, keep your straight manning a bit more quiet will ya?" He warned his companion.

The unbelievable conversation continued.

"There's nothing wrong with it, you know? Sometimes a girl needs to express their love, uh huh!" Kagura replied to Hijikata.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Shinpachi screamed again.

"Dammit, keep it down!" Sougo growled.

"Still...there's other people around...just wait til we get back." Hijikata told Kagura, he looked almost bashful.

'Blurgh!'

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Shinpachi screamed once more, his pitch higher than the last.

What the hell indeed, Sougo thought. He wiped the blood from the side of his mouth.

Also-

"Oy glasses! Has your straight man vocabulary become limited to that one phrase?"

"Shut up, Mayo addict. I do what I want, uh huh!" they heard Kagura scoff.

Her face suddenly softened though, "You feel it too, don't you?" She asked, with a soft pink glow on her cheeks.

At this question, Hijikata blushed brighter and a small smile grew on his lips,

"Of course, I do." He replied.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Sougo and Shinpachi chorused.

To add insult to injury, The spies' (more like stalkers') targets looked at each other with, in Sougo's opinion, sickening smiles.

"Hey um, I know that we're in public but I-I can't help myself anymore!" Kagura declared.

In their hiding place, Shinpachi and Sougo both coughed up blood.

Sougo looked up and time stood still.

He watched, face pale and cold sweat forming, as China closed the gap between her and Hijikata.

At the corner of his eye, Sougo spotted Shinpachi walk towards Hijikata and China.

"What...the..hell.." The glasses groaned in a zombie-like manner.

Sougo leapt at him. It felt like everything was in slow motion. He took in everything around him.

He saw the stupid face Shinpachi made as He lost balance after Sougo landed on him.

He saw the people in the street staring at them, the two weirdos that's been screaming.

Sougo saw...

He saw...

What was he seeing?...

He couldn't remember when he took his sword out, but here he was with his RX-78Kiku-Ichimonji-RX-78 in his hands.

Sougo could also not recall when exactly he had used Shinpachi as a leaping board to soar into the sky,  
all he knew was that he was in a position good enough to slice Hijikata in half.

The Hijikata who had made him feel super disgusted today, the Hijikata who just might be stealing his rival away  
...The Hijikata who currently had China in his arms.

Sougo lifted his blade, He was just about to swing when-

"GIVE ME MY SUKONBU DAMMIT!" Kagura shouted.

She tightened the wrestling hold on Hijikata. To outsiders, it looked like a hug, but Hijikata sure as hell knew otherwise.

"Dammit China! Let go!" he growled, barely able to breathe.

"Not until you give me my sukonbu, uh huh!" Kagura replied through gritted teeth.

She was preoccupied with trying to reach the plastic of sukonbu packets in Hijikata's hand, which he held high above her head.

"No way!" Hijikata replied, "I told you to wait til you get home and eat your junk food there, your eating habits are a public disturbance!"

"What the hell? It's your mayo fetish and smoking thats disturbing the public. You should arrest yourself, uh huh!" Kagura retorted.

The two continued to struggle and somehow, Hijikata managed to break free from her grasp.

He rubbed his mid section, that was sure to be bruised tomorrow.

Hijikata couldn't comprehend how the hell Sougo gets into fights with this monster girl voluntarily and often.

Speaking of Sougo...


	6. Chapter 5 and a half

**A/N This part was meant to be with chapter 5 but I hadn't finished it yet so this is an addition to chapt 5. Behold Shinpachi's straight manning. All hail the straight man!**

 **also**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: Yay thanks for calling my story awesome, that's really high praise, I'm so happy. I love you too reviewer and fellow okikagu shipper! (^_^)**

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"Hey mommy, are they alive?" a kid asked.

"Kyaa! Someone call an ambulance!" a woman squealed.

A short distance away from where Hijikata and Kagura were, (Kagura had caught Hijikata again and this time, had him in a choke hold.) a crowd had formed around two dead (?) bodies.

What was once Shimura Shinpachi, was now an unmoving husk with drool and blood dripping from its mouth and its eyes a blank white. Beside him lay something that used to be Okita Sougo, a being with empty eyes, almost like two black holes on his head, while jet black blood dripped from the sides of his lips and tear ducts..

One of the more braver men in the crowd crouched down near the body that looked more human.

"You alright, young man?" he asked the thing that was Shinpachi.

The crowed let out sounds of relief, the boy had moved a bit.

"Yay, he's alive!" a little kid cheered.

Shinpachi moaned.

"He sounds like he's trying to say something." the previous man's friend said.

The one crouched down brought his ear closer to Shinpachi.

"Th-that's..." Shinpachi croaked.

"What is it?" the man asked.

"...what..." Shinpachi managed to let out once again.

"The ambulance will be here shortly!" someone announced from the crowd.

"...you..." Shinpachi added.

"Hang in there, boy!" the man told him.

"...meant?" Shinpachi finished.

Then, to the utter surprise of the crowd, the previously almost dead guy, leapt up.

He turned to the direction where Hijikata and Kagura were.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT!?" Shinpachi shouted, with this, Shinpachi began a roll of straight manning.

"STOP SAYING MISLEADING THINGS, DAMMIT! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF LOVE CONFESSION WAS THAT, KAGURA-CHAN? YOU MEANT IT TO SUKONBU? REALLY?! AND WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU AGREEING WITH, HIJIKATA-SAN?! MAYONNAISE HUH? IT WAS MAYONNAISE, WASN'T IT? JUST HOW ADDICTED ARE YOU TWO?! GEEZ! YOU TWO SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR! DROWN IN A POOL OF MAYONANAISE AND SUKONBU, DAMMIT!"


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N Miku Walker: thanks! and here ya go new chapter.**

 **Also, I know I have been updating pretty fast lately but I have exams right now so this will probably be the only chapter I post this week. I may be able to update this weekend so hang in there, I'm not going anywhere.**

* * *

"Geez, I am done with those two! Let's go Oki...ta...san!?" Shinpachi exclaimed. The Shinsengumi captain was still on the ground, unmoving. No way!

"Aaah! Okita-san! Hang in there!" Shinpachi knelt beside the body ah- I mean the unconscious captain. He shook him in vain.

"Dammit!" Shinpachi said under his breath.

The crowd had dispersed after his outburst, muttering about stupid kids' pranks taking advantage of people's kindness. The two were out in the open and if Kagura or Hijikata looked their direction, they'd get caught instantly.

"It can't be helped." Shinpachi muttered. He then draped Okita's arm over his shoulder and dragged him behind a nearby shop.

Meanwhile, Hijikata and Kagura were still squabbling.

"Give!" Kagura shouted, hitting Hijikata's head with his own bottle of mayonnaise.

"Me!" she hit him again.

She was piggy backing on him and the poor vice chief was struggling to get her off of him.

"My!" she shouted once more, landing another hit on his head.

"SUKONBUUU!" she shrieked, giving the biggest hit yet that left Hijikata dazed.

"Dammit China! Stop that!" He growled.

"Hoho! Can't take it anymore, Mayora? Well then, Give me my sukonbu and I'll think of stopping." Kagura said, Putting on her Queen of Kabukicho face.

"Like hell I'm giving it to you!" Hijikata replied, "Who paid for it? Me! So I have the right to-OOF!"

Kagura had kicked him right in the stomach.

Hijikata fell back, breathless. The plastic bag of sukonbu flew into the air.

"Yeah!" Kagura yelled, she jumped up, using Hijikata as a platform, and caught it easily.

Shinpachi twitched, he had caught the last few moments of the (one sided) fight and silently apologized to Hijikata in his mind, for the behavior of their Yato.

At least it was over. Kagura was now happily sucking on a strip of sukonbu and Hijikata was starting to breathe again.

The problem was Okita. He had finally opened his eyes but he wasn't reacting to anything.


	8. Chapter 6 and a half

**A/N Sorry if it's short. I couldn't stop myself from writing more huhu. I'm supposed to be studying right now kukuku.**

* * *

Kagura stood triamphant, one foot stepping on Hijikata, whom was still recovering from her stomach punch.

"Behold! The Queen of Kabukicho has slain the demon!" Kagura yelled, "Mehahahah-ack!" she choked on her sukonbu.

Sougo immediately stood up.

"Ah! Okita-san! Thank goodness!" Shinpachi exclaimed, relieved. Was it Kagura's shouting that woke him? Shinpachi thought to himself.

"Um, How are you feeling?" he asked the captain cautiously. He only noticed now that Okita had been holding his sword the whole time.

"Hmm? I feel fine." Sougo replied, blank faced. He rummaged through his pocket and took out a small object.

"Give me a second, I ...gotta make a phone call." He told Shinpachi.

Shinpachi grew suspicious, the guy was too calm after what had just happened.

Knowing Okita, he should be out for those two idiot's blood by now. They did just get trolled really badly by them.

A few minutes passed and Sougo finally came back from his call.

"So Okita-san, who did you call just now?" Shinpachi asked, trying to sound casual.

"You'll see." Sougo replied.

They proceeded to stand there in silence. Shinpachi didn't know how to deal with this creepily calm Okita.

Suddenly, a sound, maybe a cough?, came from Sougo.

Then it came again.

And again.

And again.

A chill ran down Shinpachi's spine.

He wasn't coughing, the friggin' saddist was laughing!

"O-Okita-s-san!?" Shinpachi stepped away from Sougo, "What did you do?"

The captain slowly turned his face towards him. Shinpachi shrieked.

Poor guy.

Shinpachi was unfortunate enough to have to see creepy stalker smiles on Kondou at home, every night and creepy stalker smiles on Sacchan at work, everyday.

Yet, Nothing compared to the smile on Sougo's face right now.

"Hmm? I did nothing really...just opened the gates of hell for them." Sougo told him.


	9. Chapter 7

Yamazaki stood in front of the fifth Pachinko Parlor he'd been to today.

"Not here too huh?" He sighed.

He was currently on a search for the Yorozuya boss. Why?

Because his life depended on it.

The Shinsengumi spy walked dejectedly to the next parlor.

He arrived at Kabukicho, where it was and promptly spotted his chief's object of obsession.

"Ah, Onee-sama!" Yamazaki greeted Otae.

Otae took a moment to recognize him, during which Yamazaki sweated nervously. He suddenly recalled all those painful times the shinsengumi has crossed her before.

"Oh, Yamazaki-san right?" She inquired.

"Y-yes!" Yamazaki replied, relieved.

"If you're here for your gorilla, you'll find him where he belongs." Otae told him with a smile, "amongst a pile of trash in that alley over there."

"Actually, I was looking for-Wait what?!" Yamazaki ran towards the indicated alley and instantly spotted a knocked out Kondo lying there.

"Chief!" he exclaimed, rushing to his side.

"Shut up! You're being damn noisy, can't a man sleep in peace, huh?!" a very familiar voice came from the pile of trash next to Kondo.

A head of silver hair emerged from the pile.

"Boss!" Yamazaki yelled in joy. Now he didn't have to go to anymore pachinko parlors.

"I said you're being noisy, dammit!" Gin shouted back, he rose from the trash and finally took in the scene around him.

"Huh?" He blinked, looking around he realized now that this wasn't his bedroom (no matter how similar the smell was), "Oy, where am I? How'd I get here? Did that gorilla touch me? I will sue if I get gori-disease you know!"

"That's not it, Boss!" Yamazaki replied, "I just found you here, anyway I need you to come with me to-"

"What? Come with you for what? I don't swing that way, idiot!" Gin told the increasingly flustered Yamazaki.

Beside him, Kondo muttered something about poor Toshi's heart getting broken if he heard Gin say that, in his sleep.

Gin promptly threw a bag of garbage at him.

"Ah boss don't! The Chief has already been beaten enough by a manly thug, today!" Yamazaki shouted.

He instantly got a garbage can lid to the face, curtesy of Otae.

"Who are you calling a manly thug, Yamazaki-san?" she asked with her fake smile, she stepped into the alley (more liked stepped on Kondo's face) with a dangerous aura.

"Ah, Gin-san!" she greeted, spotting the silver haired samurai, "what are you doing here with the trash?"

Said trash grinned perversely at the fact that he now had Otae's footprint on his face.

"Like I'd know, probably drank too much last night." Gin replied, rubbing his head, "Ah, I want a parfait." He got up.

Yamazaki panicked.

"Boss! Where are you going?" He asked, he quickly draped Kondo's arm over his shoulders.

"None of your business," Gin told him, starting to walk away, "I'm only interested in women, but I think your gorilla over there will take you. He will probably take anything as long as it has a hole."

A dark shadow fell over Kondo's unconscious face.

"WAIT BOSS!" Yamazaki shouted, he ran after Gin with a depressed Kondo in tow.

There was no way Yamazaki would let the yorozuya Boss escape, even if it meant dragging him along.

He'd rather be beaten up once by an angry Yorozuya boss than be tortured for days on end by Captain Okita. After all, it was that sadistic captain that had ordered the search for Gintoki.

"You're bringing Gin-san into this?!" Shinpachi exclaimed.

"Uh huh." Sougo answered, looking bored.

"You know what that means right?" Shinpachi asked.

"Bye bye Hijikata bastard." Sougo replied.

This will be entertaining to watch, Sougo thought to himself.

Meanwhile, Yamazaki was trying (and failing) to convince Gin to go with him.

"Four parfaits!" Gin shouted.

"Three parfaits and a Shinsengumi sausage!" Yamazaki returned.

"Ten parfaits!" Gin shouted back.

"How is that bartering?!" Yamazaki exclaimed.

"Fine then … One hundred parfaits and I get to cut off that V-haired guy's sausage!"

"What did Vice-chief do to deserve that!?" Yamazaki yelled.

Little did they know they'd soon find out exactly what he did.


	10. Chapter 8

**A/N: currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu- nooo i can't make a kiss happen, kagura's lips belong to Sougo lol...plus Hijikata wouldn't do that. but yeh, Sougo will probably act on his own soon..or not *_***

 **XTataraX- haha sorry for keeping you in suspense.**

 **lightdesired- really? thanks T_T so happy. I try to make it funny or else i'm not doing the anime and manga justice.**

* * *

Yamazaki ran through the streets of Edo with an unconscious Kondo over his shoulder.

Beside him ran Gintoki.

Where were they headed?

To an emergency that involved their vice chief and the Yororuya's China girl, according to what Captain Okita had said.

Gin had stopped fooling around the moment he had heard the emergency had something to do with Kagura.

Was it his fatherly instincts that had kicked in? No, more like his thoughts had intsantly gone to how much collateral damage he had to pay if that girl did something. He wouldn't be able to have proper sweets for weeks!

"Oy hurry up! You should just drop that luggage you're carrying." Gin told Yamazaki.

"Who are you calling luggage? He's our chief!" Yamazaki replied.

"Look! We're passing by the zoo, you can drop him off here." Gin threw back.

"Ah! Stop it boss, The chief is already hurt enough!" Yamazaki pleaded as Kondo let out a moan.

They eventually arrived at the location that Okita told them about.

Gin began looking around, trying to hear any obvious screaming or some form of destruction.

Yamazaki did the same, after setting Kondo down at a nearby bench.

They didn't know what to expect, especially when it involved a yato girl and a demon vice chief.

"Yo Boss, Yamazaki, it took you guys long enough to get here." They heard a familiar voice.

They spotted Okita and, surprisingly, Shinpachi, coming their way.

"Yo Pachi-boy, you got called too? Don't tell me Kagura did something?" Gin asked Shinpachi.

The glassed boy looked pale and was nervously fidgeting.

"Um well, Gin-san... I don't really know how to explain it because we don't really know what's going on either but-" Shinpachi tried to say.

"Hijikata-san may or may not be a pedophile and China may or may not be on a date with him and Hiikata-san may or may not be dead because of China." Okita reported in a dead pan tone, cutting Shinpachi off.

"What?!" Yamazaki let out.

Okita silently pointed at the direction of Kagura and Hijikata.

It took a minute or two for them to spot the strange couple but when they did, they wished they hadn't.

In the midst of an ever moving wave of people walking about, Kagura was crouched over Hijikata, who seemed to be unconscious on the ground.

"Hey Mayo-addict, you alive?" Kagura asked, poking his cheek.

No response.

Meanwhile, her observers were slowly turning paler and paler.

"What happened to the vice-chief, Captain Okita?!" Yamazaki asked in a panic.

"He tried to keep that disgusting snack of China's away from her." Okita replied.

Gin turned paler. No one should mess with Kagura's sukonbu, No one.

"Wait! What did you mean about a date?" Yamazaki asked, "This looks more like a crime scene doesn't it?"

"Huh? Crime? What crime? It was self-defense, right Shinpachi?!" Gin stammered, sweating profusely, "kagura was just protecting herself from that mayo-addict, yeah that's gotta be it!"

Shinpachi looked at him with a face that already gave up a while ago.

"Um, Gin-san, stop trying to cover it up." He told his boss.

"Shut up and play along, dammit! Do you know what that baldy will do to me if Kagura gets arrested under my watch?!" Gin growled.

He started to think of ways to make Kagura look innocent.

Meanwhile, Sougo watched him.

The Yorozuya boss wasn't reacting the way he wanted him to, Sougo thought to himself.

Well that was to be expected, they were currently observing a possible murder, the thought that maybe those two were on a date wouldn't come to mind at all right now.

For once in Sougo's life, he thought 'Hijikata-san, please be alive."

And as if on cue, Hijikata rose up.

The vice chief staggered a bit but eventually regained his balance.

"About time you got up, uh huh!" Kagura told him remorselessly

"Who's fault was it I got knocked out in the first place?!" Hijikata replied.

"What are you talking about? That was a soft kick," Kagura defended herself, "Geez, I guess that's the affects of eating that much mayonnaise, you can't take a hit."

"Says the one who got all violent over seaweed junk!" Hijikata retorted.

He 'Tch!'-ed then, to the horror of their newly arrived observers, grabbed Kagura's hand and began walking through the crowd again, with her in tow.

"Just hurry up and keep walking, we attracted too much attention back there." he told her.

"It's your fault you wouldn't give me my sukonbu." Kagura muttered with a blank expression.

They kept walking for a bit until Kagura pulled at Hijikata's grip.

"What?!" He asked, obviously annoyed.

"I'm hungry again." She stated.

"Eat your seaweed!" Hijikata growled, he tried to get her walking again but Kagura, of course, didn't budge.

Hijikata sighed.

"What do you want?" he growled.

Kagura's face instantly lit up.

"Takoyaki!" she almost yelled.

Hijikata 'Tch!-ed again, he spotted a Takoyaki vendor and made his way toward it.

Kagura skipped along next to him, she held onto his sleeve the whole time until they got to the line for the vendor. She hummed as they waited, happy that she was going to get to eat.

"Takoyaki! Takoyaki! Takoyaki! Yummy yummy yummy balls-!"

"What the hell are you singing, china!?" Hijikata growled.

"Geez, you ruined the ending." Kagura complained.

A small distance away from them, stood Gin, Shinpachi, Okita and Yamazaki.

Sougo would have been grateful to Hijikata for holding China's hand again if the sight of it hadn't made him feel so disgusted. Now both Yamazaki and The yorozuya boss also felt their confusion.

"W-What's going on!?" Yamazaki stuttered. He had just witnessed the demonic vice chief holding a young girl's hand. This wouldn't have been a shock if it were some other guy but this was the vice-chief they were talking about, he never showed any forms of affection (normal forms of affection that is. He usually did it violently or in a strange way)

"That's what we've been asking ourselves." Shinpachi told Yamazaki, "we have no idea what those two are up to."

Wait a minute, Shinpachi thought, so far it was only Yamazaki reacting. What about Gin-sa-!

"Aah!" Shinpachi shrieked.

Gin-san was gone.

Or at least he wasn't in the spot they saw him last.

He was supposed to be crouching beside Okita behind a stall but Okita was alone.

"Okita-san, Where is Gin-san!?" Shinpachi asked.

He flinched, the captain had turned to face him and was uncharacteristically blushing.

Okita, with pink cheeks that almost looked like utter excitement, pointed at the direction where Hijikata and Kagura were.

"AAaaah!" Both Yamazaki and Shinpachi shrieked.

They had spotted Gintoki, he was making his way towards Kagura and Hijikata,

... he had Lake Toya in his hand.


	11. Chapter 9

**A/N Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: haha i hope i am getting Sougo's character right, is he too evil or just right?, im glad you found it funny ^_^ i was giggling while writing the whole time.**

 **XTataraX: well Gin is gonna be Sougo's future father in law *wink wink* haha. and yay glad you thought it was gintama-like!**

 **kdef001: really?! brb gonna run around yelling 'yaaayy!'**

 **lightdesired: well here you go! huhu**

 **Also, anyone know what Yamazaki calls Shinpachi? i forgot.**

* * *

"GIN-SAAANNN! STOOOP!" Shinpachi shrieked.

Him and Yamazaki rushed forward to stop Gintoki.

Or at least they tried to...

"Hmm? Where do you think you two are going?" A dangerous aura rose behind them.

"C-Captain O-Okita?!" Yamazaki squeaked in terror.

Sougo had on his sadist smile, his eyes blood shot and his sword held dangerously unsheathed.

"Okita-san, we have to stop Gin-sa-!" Shinpachi tried to say.

"But why? The fun is just about to begin." Okita sneered.

The two tried to take a step forward and immediately met a flick of Okita's sword.

"Stop that please, Captain!" Yamazaki pleaded.

Shinpachi tried once more and barely dodged a poke from the sadist.

The two could do nothing but watch helplessly as Gin, in a slow 'impending doom' sort of walk, made his way closer and closer to the clueless Hijikata and Kagura.

Suddenly, shivers ran up and down their spines.

They tried their best not hear the creepy chuckling coming from Okita.

"Kagura-chan..." Shinpachi muttered.

He hoped, with all his might, that the Yato would sense the murderous intent from Gintoki before he got too close.

"Ah!" Kagura suddenly let out.

Shinpachi's eyes lit up with hope, immediately followed by disappointment.

"What the hell Mayora! Why'd you put that much mayonnaise on mine?!" She yelled.

She grabbed the takoyaki that Hijikata had just brought back and immediately started scraping at the mounds of mayonnaise piled on top.

"Geez, I can barely see the balls-"

"Shut up! Just eat them and stop being annoying!" Hijikata growled.

"Where are we going next?" Kgura asked with her mouth full.

"Nowhere! You're going back! You're that perm-head's problem now!" Hijikata replied.

"But I don't want to go back yet!" Kagura complained, her face went dark, "If I were to see that curly curly jerk right now...I'd beat him to a pulp."

Shinpachi and Yamazaki watched in shock as Gin froze in the midst of his approach.

"Hmm? Something happened?" Hijikata asked, not really interested. He was just glad the girl stopped trying to steal his portion of takoyaki.

"He always picks his nose like a kid." Kagura told him.

Shinpachi whispered a "You do that too, kagura-chan!"

"Huh? I don't really care-" Hijikata tried to say.

"His feet smell." Kagura added.

"Ah! Look at Boss!" Yamazaki exclaimed.

Shinpachi wiped his glasses. Maybe he wasn't seeing right because it looked like

Gintoki's body just jerked as if a bullet just hit him.

"He also has really bad luck, nobody can suck at Pachinko as much as him." Kagura continued.

Gintoki stepped back as another bullet seemed to hit him.

"His love life is so empty he's almost become a Shinpachi." Kagura added again.

("What's that supposed to mean!?" Shinpachi shrieked.)

Gintoki stumbled and barely caught himself as he got 'shot' again.

"Not to mention his hair is so fluffy and curly that I thought he shaved it all off once...but it was actually just Sadaharu shedding." Kagura said, landing the final blow.

In slow motion, Gintoki fell onto his knees and coughed up blood in a dramatic fashion.

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi yelled, running to his emotionally wounded boss.

"Hang in there, Gin-san!" Shinpachi shouted, supporting Gin's head in his hand.

Gintoki looked up at Shinpachi as if he couldn't see him properly anymore.

"Yo, Pachi-boy, You have a future ahead of you-" Gintoki coughed, "don't mind me anymore and look forward."

"No, Gin-san! Don't say that!" Shinpachi pleaded, tears starting to form in his eyes.

Gin reached out his hand and grabbed the side of Shinpachi's head.

"Live on Shinpachi...live well with your straight hair-ACK!" Gin coughed one last time before closing his eyes.

His hand fell limply to his side, between his fingers was a single strand of Shinpachi's slick straight hair.

"Noooo!" Shinpachi yelled at the heavens.

"What the hell!? How far are you guys gonna take this stupid drama!?" Yamazaki yelled.

"Shut up! You just ruined a beautiful moment! Are you happy now? You just made the ratings drop, Jimmy!" Gin shouted back, he got up and dusted himself off.

The three started arguing.

"Oy...What the hell are you guys doing?" A voice suddenly came.

All three idiots turned and immediately flinched.

A very pissed off Okita was glaring at them.

"W-what's wrong S-sofa-kun?" Gin asked cautiously.

"You guys were too damn noisy!" Okita growled.

"What do you mea-!" Shinpachi tried to ask.

"Ah it's you guys!"

"What the hell are all you bastards doing here?"

standing in front of them was Kagura and Hijikata.


	12. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks Guest184! *_* I was confused at first whether it was san or kun.**

 **SolitaryGray- hehe well it seemed like something they would do huhu _**

 **lightdesired- well here you are, hope you enjoy this chapter! \^_^/**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu- haha glad you liked gin's verbal death from kagura. and thanks! ^_^**

 **sorry if Kagura seemed weird when she insulted gin like that, i realize it seems a bit out of character maybe but there's a reason for her anger..just wait til next time !_!**

* * *

Sougo burned with anger.

He knew he had no one to blame but himself, for bringing all these idiots along, but he didn't want to think about that right now.

How the hell were they gonna get out of this now?

He chanced a glance at Hijikata and China and immediately looked away again.

They definitely knew that Sougo and them were up to something from the looks on their faces.

China in particular was staring at him intently.

Whats up with her? Did he have something on his face? Wait! Did she suspect him to be the mastermind of this? ...well he was but he doubted she had enough brains to figure that out.

"Well? What the hell is going on here?" Hijikata asked. He glared at all four of them, causing Yamazaki to quiver and Shinpachi to start stuttering pure gibberish.

Damn! The Straight man duo won't be any help right now.

The only one left was the yorozuya boss.

Speaking of Gin, Sougo's hopes rose as Gin headed straight for Hijikata.

"That's my line! What the hell are you two doing together? Huh!?" Gin growled, getting right up in Hijikata's face.

Hijikata shoved him away, "I can smell the sugar on your breath!"

"Like your breath is any better, the tabaco and mayonnaise makes your mouth smell like a garbage can!" Gin replied, shoving Hijikata back.

"Says the one who actually smells like a garbage can! What did you do? Sleep in one?" Hijikata asked, trying to wrestle Gin away from him while crinkling his nose.

"Ah! How did you know that!? Did you have something to do with it? What did I do last night?! I don't remember anything except something about a dwarf peeing on-!"

"Enough! No one wants to hear about your disgusting extra curricular activities!" Hijikata cut Gin off , his foot on his face.

"Look who's talking! You Loli-con! And out of all the lolis you even picked the most dangerous and non girl like of all of them! Your fetishes are as crooked as your V hair!" Gin growled, pulling at Hijikata's locks.

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you still drunk?" Hijikata replied, grabbing at Gin's ears.

"Oy Kagura! What did he bait you with to go with him? Sukonbu was it? It had to be Sukonbu!" Gin asked in the midst of trying to put Hijikata in an arm hold.

"Why would I willingly make her go with me anywhere!?" Hijikata growled, pinching the side of Gin's mouth.

They squabbled a bit more until they became increasingly aware of a murderous presence sprouting from behind them.

"Oy Mayora, Curly Curly jerk, stop that and shut up, I'm getting really pissed off." Kagura warned, her face dark as she cracked her knuckles menacingly.

"Yes! Kagura-sama!" The two instantly broke apart and saluted the queen of Kabukicho.

Sougo had to hand it to China, she had quite the fear inducing ability.

He liked it

...wait what?

Blurgh!

Did he just have a relatively positive thought about China?

Damn, he needed to recharge his sadist battery after such an effed up day.

Time to get this over with, Sougo took a deep breath.

"Why don't you tell us then why you and Hijikata-san are together?" He spoke up.

Hijikata walked up beside China and they both turned to face Sougo.

Sougo steadied himself for what might be another blood-vomit inducing moment.

"We ..." They started.

Beside Sougo, Shinpachi and Yamazaki both tensed as well.

Gin, on the other hand, watched with a bored face, but his hand hovered over lake Toya, which was back on his waist.

"are..."

The four spies sweat dropped.

"on a..."

the iron-like taste of blood began to rise in Sougo's mouth.

"Da-!"

"STOOOOPPP!"

Gin and Sougo instantly had their swords out and was ready to cut down the interrupter... when they saw who it was.


	13. Chapter 11

**A/N: SolitaryGray: ah close but nope its Otae's dear stalker, Gorilla uh I mean Kondo-san! and lol who doesn't love a good Hijikata vs Gintoki squabble? sorry for the cliffhangers huhu _ here you are, next chapter!**

 **XTataraX: heres the next chapter, ^_^ and expect more cliffhangers because that's basically how I end every chapter meahaha!**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: !_! you definitely sound like an M! haha! well don't worry, sadist!Sougo will appear now that he is out of hiding and can interact with his favorite sadist victim (aside from Hijikata) Kagura huhuhu!**

 **I realize that my writing styles seem to change for each chapter and I apologize, I usually write them while listening to a song or playlist and how I write usually ends up being influenced by what I listen to so \\(^_^)/ sorry!**

 **For this chapter, I listened to "ojama mushi" by Hatsune Miku and "Pride Kakumei" by ChiCo (Gintama OP 15)**

 **Anyway, I am not sure when I can write the next chapter since it will get busy next week since I got a project to finish so hang in there guys! ^_^**

* * *

Sougo and Gin blinked at Kondo, Kondo blinked back.

"Oy...", Gin started, "F*ck off Gorilla!"

He then turned to Hijikata again, "What were you saying? You were going to hell was it? You're going to hell right? Well then...let me help!"

"I SAID STOOP!" Kondo yelled, he unsuccessfully grabbed at Gintoki's collar.

Hijikata narrowly blocked Gin's strike.

"What the hell Yorozuya!? You bastards were the ones we caught doing something wrong!" Hijikata growled, slashing at Gin,  
which caused the samurai to step back.

"Oy Kondo-san, is this some kind of stalker class you're running?" Hijikata asked his superior, "Please conduct Stalker 101 somewhere else!" he said  
as he dodged another of Gin's attacks.

"Stop that Toshi! Yorozuya! This is all just a big misunderstanding!" Kondo pleaded as he helplessly watched the two coming at each other over and over again.

"Kondo-san, what's going on? Do you know something about this Hijikata-san and Kagura-chan business?" Shinpachi asked.

Him and Yamazaki were crouched behind Kondo, steering clear of the fight.

"I'll explain it later, right now we need to stop those two from destroying the place!" Kondo said, his eyes began to water as he saw  
Hijikata turn a stall into smithereens in an attempt to hit Gin, "Toshi, staapph!" Kondo blubbered.

"How are we supposed to stop them, chief? The only two people strong enough to stop their own superiors are over there looking like they're  
about to fight as well." Yamazaki stated, pointing at Kagura and Sougo.

The two were glaring at each other, completely ignoring what was going on around them.

Even as screams of terror came, caused by Gin slicing a car in half while trying to get Hijikata, the two rivals only had eyes for each other.

"Oy Sadist, what were you doing with Curly jerk and them?" Kagura asked.

"Hmm? I think the real question is what were you doing with that mayonnaise bastard?" Sougo replied.

"I already tried to tell you idiots, This is a da-!" but Kagura didn't finish. A huge debris from Gin and Hijikata's fight rocketed right at her.  
A light-brown and black blur crashed into the Yato and knocked her out of the way.

"Ouch.." Kagura let out, rubbing her head... or at least tried to.

"Oy Sadist."

"Hmm?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Testing a new wrestling move, it's called "Ultra super cool ultimate wow amaze-balls rocket -!"

"Get off me, dammit!"

"No."

"Get off you #$^*^%$$!%^&(*(!# %&&*# # !%%&*$ $$! #$%^& #*&^#$^# #%%$%^-!"

"KAGURA-CHAN THIS STORY IS RATED-T, DON'T TURN IT INTO M!" Shinpachi shrieked.

"Shinpachi, get this disgusting ##^# !$^#^%^ off of me!" Kagura whined.

"I said stop swearing, dammit! And can't you do it yourself? You're a yato aren't you?" Shinpachi replied.

"I don't want to touch him any more than I already have, he's disgusting, I might catch some sort of Sadist disease." Kagura explained.

"There's no such thing!" Shinpachi yelled.

Meanwhile Sougo was trying to recall his 'wrestling move' name again while still pinning Kagura beneath him.

"Ultra super cool ultimate wow amaze-nuts Ah! That's a mistake, what was it again?"

"GET OFF ME YOU DAMN SADIST!"

"NO!"

Sougo didn't know why he was being so stubborn. This _was_ China he had under him.

Blurgh!

He never thought he'd be saying that sentence in his lifetime.

Somehow, he just didn't _want_ to get off of her.

Damn, this whole weird day probably messed him up badly.

"Hey stop struggling and be a good China." He said in a deadpan tone.

"What the F*ck!? You damn pervert, let me go!" Kagura roared.

"Tsk tsk, girls shouldn't talk like that, but then again, You're no girl, Ms pig-"

"Okita-san! Stop, that's copyrighted!" Shinpachi shrieked.

"Shut up glasses, now then China, what are you willing to do to get yourself free?" Sougo asked, his face starting to morph into a sadistic expression.

"I'll let you live if you get off me right now, you #%$!" Kagura spat.

"That's not the way to get someone to do what you want China, try to be more behaved will you?" Sougo sneered.

"Damn sadist!" Kagura seethed.

The excuse she had given Shinpachi a moment ago was a lie, she had actually started to feel sick the moment her stomach made impact onto the ground, when Sougo had pushed her over.

It was probably the leftover bit of mayonnaise that she had no choice but to eat with her takoyaki.

If she recalled correctly, one episode clearly showed how the damn sadist usually poisoned Hijikata's mayonnaise. Damn, that was probably it.

Now she did not have enough strength to get the bastard off of her.

"Just get off me, dammit, I'm gonna hurl!" Kagura half growled, half pleaded.

Sougo, of course, being a proud sadist, instantly noticed her conceding tone.

"That's more like it." Sougo murmured. He bent down closer to her head.

"If you want me to get off you, tell me everything about whatever this is with Hijikata-san." He whispered into Kagura's ear.

"...Fine." Kagura finally said, avoiding looking at Sougo's face.

"Hmm, is that a blush I see, China?"

"Shut up you $ %^!" Kagura screamed, she then began to tell Sougo everything.

The sadist's face proceeded to look darker and darker as the story went on.

Meanwhile, Kondo, Shinpachi and Yamazki were getting turned black and blue in their attempts to stop Hijikata and Gintoki's fight.

"Are you okay, little brother?" Kondo asked Shinpachi after the glasses got knocked down by Hijikata, while the vice chief charged at Gin.

"Who are you calling 'Little brother'?!" Shinpachi shrieked, getting back up.

He stood up right in time to see Yamazaki fly through the air, after Gin pushed him distractedly, mid-swing towards Hijikata.

"They are too into it, Chief!" Yamazaki reported, he had limped his way back to his comrades.

"Damn, and how about Sougo and the China girl?" Kondo asked. He hoped Sougo hadn't started a fight too and add to the destruction.

Yamazaki looked around with his one good eye, the other was bruised shut from a bump courtesy of Lake Toya. He eventually spotted Sougo.

"Aah! Kondo-san! Captain Okita is...Captain Okita is...committing sexual harassment!" Yamazaki exclaimed.

Kondo froze in shock as he caught sight of Sougo bent over on top of Kagura, in a very compromising position.

"Sougo, what are you doing?!" Kondo cried, this seemed to catch the sadist's attention. They watched his head turn their way.

Shivers ran down all three of the observing men's spines.

The look Okita gave them was purely horrific.

"Ah, Kondo-san, just the man I wanted to talk to." Sougo said in voice that made them feel like running far FAR away.

"W-what is it S-Sougo?!" Kondo stammered.

Shinpachi and Yamazaki instinctively distanced themselves from the chief. It was obvious that he was the only target on Sougo's list.

"You can do it, Chief! We'll be right here if you need us." Yamazaki told his boss from his hiding place.

Kondo spared a moment to look at where his voice was coming from.

"Oy Yamazaki! Why are you all the way over there!?" He cried. Shinpachi and Yamazaki simultaneously gave Kondo a supportive thumbs up from where they were...which was about a hundred meters (about 300+ feet) away.

"Kondo-san, do you have a moment?" Kondo almost pooped his pants as Sougo's voice came again, this time from right behind him.

He slowly turned to face his subordinate, He flinched.

"S-Sougo, P-put your s-sword a-away, p-plea-KYAAA!"

"KYAAAA!"

Gintoki and Hijikata immediately paused their fight.

"What was that?" Hijikata asked.

"It sounded like a guy finding out the girl he had taken out on a date and was finally gonna get to the puff puff part with was actually a tranny." Gin commented.

"What the hell is with your imagination, Yorozuya!?" Hijikata growled.

"Who said it's my imagination? These kind of things happen you know!? It's not the guy's fault at all, he was just lonely and desperate.  
I mean, so what if 'she' had a visible moustache and had a deeper voice than usual, he was willing to look pass all that, he was a good man, dammit!" Gintoki shouted.

"Are were talking about yourself!? That definitely sounded like you were the one who experienced it!" Hijikata yelled.

"Shut up! Th-that was not me! Th-that was my friend, A-Akihisa-kun!" Gin replied.

"WAAAH! CAPTAIN OKITA STOP!"

The shout put a stop to their bickering.

"That was definitely Yamazaki just now." Hijikata said.

"What did Sofa-kun do?" Gin asked.

"KONDO-SAN! HANG IN THERE!"

"Ah, that's Pachi-boy." Gin stated.

"Nevermind about that now, something's happening over there!" Hijikata growled, starting to run towards the shouting.

Gin 'Tch!'ed before following after Hijikata.

Those damn kids were involved after all.

The moment they arrived though, Gintoki instantly regretted coming.

"Oy, What the hell is going on here?!"


	14. Chapter 12

**A/N Hey, so sorry for making everyone wait. This whole week was busy, and this weekend as well so expect the next update maybe after Christmas.**

 **lightdesired: mwahaha sorry, i guess I'm a sadistic writer. But the fact that you readers still follow my stories means you're masochistic readers huhuhu!**

 **SolitaryGray: almost but no...I'll reveal it next time I think, but good guess, that can actually be a premise for another story ^_^.**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: haha omg I wish I was even 1% as talented in story telling as Gorilla-sensei! all hail the gorilla! and yeah, i thought it was time to give an okikagu moment since you all stuck with this story and me for a few chapters now ^_^**

 **thanks for waiting and here's the next chapter.**

 **BTW The _Italics_ mean they are speaking in 'English' like how they do in the anime so just imagine it like that.**

* * *

Gintoki's brain tried to process the scene before him.

Soichiro-kun and Gorilla were in a compromising positing…okay. Well, we already established that the shinsengumi were all homosexuals anyway, from the soul-switch arc.

On the other hand, Soichiro-kun's sword was stuck inside Gorilla's ass (his literal katana you dirty minded people!).

Gin didn't know how to interpret this other than that these two have really sick fetishes.

Yamazaki and Shinpachi were also, if not in a much worse, compromising position, with Yamazaki on top of Shinpachi, and their respective crotches facing each other's faces. All Gin could say was that the Shinzaki pairing was the most plain pairing he'd ever come across in Gintama.

He was relieved to see Kagura looking to be the only normal one, that is until she puked all over the ShinZaki duo, causing both to shriek.

With a flick of his robe, Gintoki turned around and began walking away.

"Oy! Where the hell are you going?" Hijikata yelled, going after him.

"Home!" Gin replied, "I didn't see, didn't do and can't do anything. Having said that, _Bye Bye!_ "

"' _Bye bye'_ my ass! Get back here, dammit!" Hijikata growled, he grabbed Gintoki's collar and they proceeded to squabble.

"Let go, damn V-hair!" Gin yelled as he shoved two fingers up Hijikata's nose.

"You ain't running away from this, coward!" Hijikata threw back, pulling at Gin's eyelid.

After a few bites, pinches and play-ground insults, Gin managed to squirm away.

He spat on Hijikata's face, " _Fack yew!_ "

"Why you bastard!" Hijikata jumped at Gin.

Gintoki dodged it by a hair's breadth and Hijikata found himself on the ground next to where Sougo stood.

The sadist noticed him, and, whilst keeping absolute eye contact with Hijikata, Sougo twisted the sword inside Kondo, in a full circle, "You're next, Hiji-bastard."

A single bead of sweat dripped from Hijikata's brow.

A few seconds passed in silence.

"Bye bye." Hijikata said, already a short distance away.

"You bastard! Who's the coward now!?" Gintoki shrieked at the vice-chief.

" _Fack yew!_ " Hijikata shouted.

"Oy! Stop shouting or I'll smash both your faces in, ugh I feel sick." Kagura spoke up, wiping her mouth clean of vomit. The ShinZaki pair seemed to have knocked themselves out from shrieking after the third or fourth spillage from Kagura, she looked very green.

Both Hijikata and Gin paused in their flight, dammit, they couldn't just leave these brats.

"He-hell me! HELL ME!" Kondo cried out suddenly.

"Keep quiet, Gorilla," Sougo warned, giving another twist to the embedded sword, "and it's 'Help me'."

Kondo groaned.

"It's your fault anyway, Fudanshi gorilla." Kagura piped in, "or is it loli-con gorilla? I'm too sick to think, ugh."

"Hmm? That's wrong, China. Hijikata-san is the loli-con, Kondo-san is the Fudanshi perv." Sougo replied, in a lecturing tone.

"I want to punch your face in too." Kagura told him.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! What the hell are you brats talking about?" Gintoki interrupted, "What did the gorilla do?"

A disgusting sound like the combination of a sink being unplugged and the sound your shoes make when you step on a particularly muddy puddle, ripped through the air.

Sougo had pulled his sword out of Kondo. Cue a fountain of blood from the chief's ass.

The sadist flicked his sword a couple of times in an attempt to get some nasty liquid mixture off of it.

"Well," Sougo started, "Kondo-san…"

"That gorilla…" Kagura added.

"He caused all this." They said in unision.

* * *

 _ **since I won't be updating til after christmas, Merry Christmas everyone! ...and after recent events, stay safe!**_


	15. Chapter 13

**A/N: Mr Miliardo: I love those random episodes too ^_^ ..and really? *_* I am so happy to hear that... I try to be loyal to the source material \^_^/**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: haha oh my now i see your sadistic side lol, and well from below, Gintoki also can't believe Kondo could do such a thing ^_^**

 **Anyway, here you guys go, a long chapter as my christmas present to you, as well as celebrating my school vacation woohoo \\!_!/**

 *** _italics_ indicate that 'english' they speak in the anime.**

 **Also there are references to studio Ghibli movies here so if you don't know them, please bear with me T_T and maybe even google them if you want.**

* * *

Gintoki stared at them with dead eyes.

"Eh? What? This zoo animal caused all this? What do you mean?" Gintoki asked.

"Who are you calling a zoo animal?!" Kondo growled, he laid on the ground, clutching his behind.

"I'm talking about you." Gin replied, and from out of nowhere, he produced a banana and began trying to feed it to Kondo, "Here ya go, be a good gorilla."

"I don't need your banana! Give me a first aid kit or better yet, take me to the hospital, dammit!" Kondo shouted. Tears flowed across his face from the pain he was in.

"Huh? The animal clinic? Oh yeah, thinking about it, if we got your $^# cut off, you might stop being a creepy stalker. _Okay!_ Let's go to the animal clinic!" Gintoki proceeded to drag Kondo away.

"Listen to what people are telling you, dammit!" Kondo shouted as he struggled away from Gintoki's grasp.

"Oy, where do you think you're running off to, Kondo-san?" A very dangerous sounding Sougo asked.

Kondo flinched when he spotted the murderous auras emitting from a yato and a sadist.

"H-heaven!" Kondo squeaked as he slowly accepted his death. His tears came faster when he noticed Okita and Kagura gradually closing in on him.

"Heaven huh? Sorry to inform you, Gorilla, but you're going the other way..." Kagura said in an equally dangerous tone as Sougo.

"Hell!" Her and the sadist both shouted as they jumped him.

-.-.-.-.-.-

-.-.-.-.-.-

-.-.-.-.-.-

-.-.-.-.-.-

Kondo Isao

A man, a leader, a friend. A gorilla.

May he rest in peace.

"OOOYY! don't just go and kill off some major characters, damn author!" Shinpachi shrieked.

"And why am I always 'shrieking', Do you think I overreact that much?!" Shinpachi shrieked again.

"ARGH! Stop that already!" Shinpachi shrieked **like a little girl**.

"The 'like a little girl' was unneeded, dammit!" Shinpachi shrieked (why can't this guy shut up already? he's over doing the straght-manning and taking out the fun in breaking the fourth wall. He seriously should stop being a virgin, Kondo is available. Maybe the Gorilla will take any Shimura now. His looks are also lame-!)

"Oy! Stop insulting me! Gosh! enough already and get back to the story!" Shinpachi **SHRIEKED**.

" _Oh fack yew!_ " Shinpachi shrieked like a little $%#^%.

-.-.-.-.-.-

We now take a moment to thank our sponsors.

This chapter has been brought to you by:

 _Laurier "_ Pads so strong, they can take Shinpachi at his bitchiest."

"ENOUGH ALREADY DAMMIT!" Shinpachi shrieked for the umpteenth time (trivia: this is also the same number of times that Shinpachi has failed to get a girlfriend)

Now back to the show.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Hijikata dived in, right in time to save Kondo from dying at the hands of Sougo and Kagura.

"Stop messing around, both of you!" He warned. His sword arm trembled as he blocked both of their attacks

The two brats blinked at him.

"Geez!" Hijikata let out, he took out a cigarette and lit it, "Now Kondo-san may have been the reason for all this, but it's not something you kill him over."

"Go die in a ditch, Hijikata. My day got wasted as well as most of my stomach contents and blood, because of all this." Sougo replied.

"That's your damn fault for wasting it; stalking us you idiot!" Hijikata growled at him.

"Yeah, you have no reason to to complain, sadist. I had to waste a whole day with Mayora when I could have been napping and watching the Laputa re-showing with commentary special!" Kagura told Okita.

"If it isn't a 'kiki's delivery service' re-showing then it's not worth complaining about, China." Sougo replied.

"Oy you two..." A voice suddenly came, someone they had forgotten was there, Gintoki emerged behind them, "...My neighbor Totoro can kick both of those movies' asses anytime."

"That's what you were on about!?" Shinpachi shrieked.

"Cut the crap all of you!" Hijikata growled, " Yamazaki, do something! Somehow, I'm getting a stomach ache." ( It seems Sougo's mayonnaise poisoning has taken another victim. _Kaiser! Kaiser! Kaiser!_ )

Yamazaki approached the three arguing with determination.

"Um excuse me you guys!" He spoke in a clear tone.

"What?!" The three growled.

Yamazaki gulped.

"I-I think you should not underestimate Princess Mononoke!"

"That's not what I meant by 'do something'!" Hijikata shouted.

"Ugh, just forget it Hijikata-san, they are too into it now." Shinpachi said.

"Laputa!"

"Kiki's delivery service!"

"Totoro!"

"P-princess Mononoke!"

"Spirited away!"

"Why are you joining in too, Hijikata-san!?" Shinpachi shouted, "And I don't think any of those movies made anyone cry more than Grave of the fireflies!"

As they all argued, Kondo, on the other hand, finally recovered from seeing his life flash before his eyes (which strangely consisted of a lot of getting beat up scenes, is he really the chief of a police group?).

He noticed the ongoing battle of Ghibli and, without thinking of his own safety (considering he almost got killed by two of the arguers moments ago), decided to step in and try to stop it.

They pretty much cleared this shopping district of other people earlier but fear of property damage (more than what has already happened that is.) meant that this had to be calmed down before it got physical.

"Now now, guys. Why don't we all just calm down huh?" He tried to say over the shouting.

Kondo began to panic when he noticed China and Sougo begin to flick each others foreheads.

"Oh no." He said to himself, "It may start with him giving her a flick, but it will soon escalate into him giving her a di-! Ah! I meant kick!" He had to stop this now.

"This isn't the time to be doing this, think of your priorities! Should you guys really be doing this now?!" Kondo shouted over the din.

Thankfully, they seemed to have heard.

"You're right, Kondo-san." Sougo said.

"We got side tracked again, sorry Gorilla." Kagura added.

"Yeah, we almost forgot our purpose." Hijikata agreed.

"Geez, I feel stupid for getting into it with you guys, let's get this over with!" Gintoki complained.

"We should focus." Shinpachi told them.

"Yes, we have a very important priority here." Yamazaki said.

"Good good, I knew It'd get through to you guys." Kondo said, nodding in approval, "Now where were we again...?"

In that instant, Kondo realized his mistake.

"You were going to hell for making us waste our day, damn Gorilla!"

Gintoki, Sougo, Kagura and Hijikata all dived at Kondo.

Kondo once again had a flash back of his life up until now.

He remembered his daily activities with the Shinsengumi.

His daily stalkings on Otae.

His daily medical treatments after getting beat up by Otae.

All the adventures he had shared with his friends and allies.

Looking back at it now, he admitted it wasn't a bad life. He made so many special bonds with the people he held dear.

So why?

Why were those very people about to kill him now?!

"Sougo! Toshi! Yorozuya! WHY!?" Kondo screamed, tears streaming down his face as a kick and three swords headed straight at him.

"That's enough!" A voice came.

Shockingly, Kondo's four assailants fell one by one.

Shinpachi wiped his glasses, was he seeing things?

"Just who is crazy enough to take out those four?!" Yamazaki exclaimed.

"It must be an angel!" Kondo shouted, this time, tears of relief literally shot out from his eyes.

He immediately fell as well. Something or someone had rocketed from above and landed right onto him.

"Who are you calling an angel? Ah! Wait, that's a good thing...but it came from trash so it's a bad thing nonetheless."

The dust cloud from the impact slowly cleared to reveal...

* * *

 **This story might end in a few more chapters, next chapter all will be revealed so stay tuned. _ Hope everyone had a safe and good Christmas.  
**

 **There may be a lot of scary and bad things happening in the world right now, but hope some Okiagu can put smiles on your faces.**


	16. Chapter 14

**A/N: SolitaryGray: ah oops forgot about PEDORO lol. Ah sorry, I did rate this story a T since I'd involve swearing and dirty humor. Sorry If it didn't sound right, my mind just comes up with dirty jokes in the middle of writing and I thought it'd be pretty gintama-like to just put it in there. You have no idea how many times I had to stop myself from adding neo armstrong jet armstrong cannon jokes in lol. But I'll try to improve on timing.**

 **Mr Miliardo: Thanks! I should have realized the mistake with the Joshi and Danshi part of the words. I corrected them now. \^_^/**

 **Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu: you should totally watch the other Ghibli movies! and lol well don't worry, I have no right or intent to kill off Kondo. I love him too much. Plus, who else will cry the loudest at Sougo and Kagura's wedding if it isn't Kondo?**

 **Chantal027: Thanks! hope you had a good christmas and have a happy new year too! glad I made you smile! I had a hard time executing that line since I wanted it to rhyme but yay if you liked it, then that means it worked out somehow \^_^/**

 **Here you guys go! Since I will be busy from 30th to 1st, I decided to make a long chapter again. Hang in there guys!**

* * *

"Otae-san!" Kondo squealed, earning him a heel grinding to the back of the head.

"Keep quiet, trash shouldn't be talking." Otae said with a smile.

"S-scary." ShinZaki said, shadows upon their faces.

("Oy! Just how lazy are you to write both our names properly?!" Shinpachi shrieked.)

Groans came from the four that had been taken down by Otae.

"Oy Otae! What are you playing at, huh? We were just helping animal control catch that idiot gorilla." Gin complained, he rubbed at his swollen head.

"Anego, why'd you hit me too? It's just these three that were doing something wrong. I was just cleaning up some trash from the street." Kagura whined, she too sported a bump on the head.

"Ah! Kagura-chan, stop picking up bad habits from people! Stop calling Kondo-san trash!" Shinpachi shouted, "He is just a stalker, perverted gorilla that should just go back to the zoo and leave my sister alone." he added in a low murmur.

"Oy crazy woman, you do know hitting a police officer is a crime, right?" Hijikata growled, he rubbed at his painful head.

"Onee-san, just so you know, you didn't hit me. I just played along and fell with these idiots. I'm insecure so I wanted to fit in." Sougo told Otae with a very straight face.

"Liar!" Shinpachi shouted, the angry red bump on Okita's head was a dead give away.

"As long as you all stay quiet and behave, I won't hit you again." Otae threatened with an even 'nicer' smile.

In a few seconds, Yamazaki, Gin, Kagura, Sougo, Hijikata and Kondo were all sitting obediently in front of her. Though all tried to look cool about it.

"Ooy! That was too fast! Just how scared are you guys!? Did it hurt that much?" Shinpachi shrieked.

"Shin-chan, you behave too." Otae said.

Shinpachi appeared instantly next to Gin, in a similar sitting position.

"Sis-con." Kagura teased.

"Shut up!" Shinpachi hissed.

"Now..." Otae started.

A few of them immediately tensed.

"Just what is this about Kagura's date with Hijikata-san?" Otae asked.

Both persons mentioned, immediately looked at each other with wide eyes and, cue a coughing up of blood from both Gin and Sougo, blushes on their cheeks.

"D-date?!" Hijikata stammered, "Just what are you talking about?"

"Anego, don't say weird things." Kagura added, her cheeks were still a soft pink and she was obviously avoiding eye contact with anyone.

"Oy! Why are you blushing and looking all shy? stop that will ya?!" Gin pleaded.

"If this wasn't a date, then what was it?" Shinpachi asked.

"Just tell them already, China." Sougo told Kagura.

"We already tried telling you guys." Hijikata said, now annoyed.

"Yeah, but people keep interrupting." Kagura added.

"Don't worry, that won't happen again." Sougo assured them.

They turned to look at him, their faces instantly darkened.

"When did that happen?!" Yamazaki shouted.

Next to Sougo, Kondo was tied up and gagged, with the words 'Perverted Gorilla: Do not feed.", written on his forehead.

Hijikata 'Tch!'-ed.

This was pretty much another interruption.

Just how long was this misunderstanding gonna last?

"Just ignore that for now," He told them, "This pretty much happens all the time already when us Shinsengumi are around."

"Vice-chief! Don't say it like that! You make us sound like an S and M group instead of a police force!" Yamazaki told him.

"Shut up, let's just get this over with, geez!" Hijikata growled.

"Yeah, quit all your blabbing and tell us everything already! I'm sporting a hang over and I still gotta bath after sleeping in garbage last night." Gin said.

"All that is your fault though!" Shinpachi commented.

"Go ahead, Kagura-chan, Hijikata-san." Otae told the two.

Kagura took a deep breath.

The spectators sweat-dropped.

"I'm too lazy to say it all." Kagura announced, her finger in her nose, "Let's just do a flash back."

"What the hell! Don't pull stuff li-!" But Shinpachi couldn't finish his straight man comment as the flash back began to materialize.

Earlier today:

Kondo stood outside the door to the Yorozuya.

He had knocked and rang the doorbell a few times but no one has answered so far.

"Um, Excuse me! Yorozuya? Are you in?" Kondo called.

He lifted his fist to knock again when the door flew right into his face.

"Who the hell dares come and cause a racket this early!? I'll destroy your face!" A very sleepy and pissed looking Kagura shouted.

"Um, Uh, you kind of already did." Kondo commented, half his teeth were broken and bumps covered his forehead and eyes.

"Huh? It's just you, Gorilla, what do you want?" Kagura asked, starting to pick her nose.

"I've come with a job." Kondo told her, He promptly passed out after giving her a bloody, toothless smile.

A while later, Kondo found himsef on the Yorozuya's couch, with tea being served to him by Kagura.

"Ah thanks." He said, accepting the cup.

"Well? What job ya got?" Kagura asked, siting across from him.

"Um, well, I actually told your boss about it a few days ago. I was hoping he'd be the one to take it. Is he still sleeping?" Kondo asked.

Kagura wordlessly got up and checked Gin's room.

She returned with a pissed off face.

"That idiot perm didn't come home from the bar last night." She told him. Great, now she was stuck with a job, thanks to his stupid drinking habits.

"Ah is that right? I-is there any way you can contact him?" kondo asked. He had no one but Gintoki in mind for this.

"Huh? There's no point is there? That guy probably has a hang over right now and won't do a job or anything." Kagura said.

"Uh well, He's the only one that can do this job, and I need it done today so..." Kondo didn't know what to do now.

Even Shinpachi, who was more likely to think of a solution to the lack of Yorozuya boss, wasn't anywhere in sight.

"Oy, Don't underestimate me Gorilla, just because I'm a beauty doesn't mean I can't do jobs that Gin-chan does." Kagura growled.

Kondo thought long and hard. Maybe he could make this work somehow. All the effort would be wasted if it wasn't carried out today.

"It can't be helped. Okay China-san, I'll tell you what you gotta do."

"Nevermind, I'm sleepy. Good night." Kagura told him, already entering her closet.

"Ah! China! Wait! If you do this, you get free food throughout the whole job and I also pay you at the end." Kondo pleaded.

What he said was technically true. He made a mental note to apologize to Toshi's wallet later.

"Sir, what is the job I have to do, Sir?" Kagura saluted.

"That was fast," Kondo commented, "Well, all you gotta do is accompany Toshi around today."

"Huh? Why does Mayora need baby sitting?' Kagura asked.

Hijikata, in her opinion, was far more responsible than most adults she knew, some didn't even have common sense; ***** cough * Zura ***** cough *.

Somewhere in Edo(At Ikumatsu's Ramen shop), Katsura sneezed.

"It's not Zura, It's Katsura." He announced.

"Hmm? What did you say that for?" Ikumatsu asked. No one else was in the restaurant except the both of them.

"I just felt like I had to." Katsura replied.

Back at the Yorozuya.

"Well, Toshi has been feeling down lately and I originally asked your boss to take him around town today so that he cheers up but since he isn't here...well, you think you can do it?" Kondo asked.

This was mostly true, Kondo thought. Of course he twisted it a bit since his original plan wouldn't work if it's China. He might as well make do with this.

"Make Mayora cheer up? Ah like taking him to the mayonnaise factory for a tour and mayonnaise shopping at Gostco?" Kagura asked.

"That's just all about mayonnaise, is that all you think makes up Toshi?" Kondo asked, he was starting to lose spirit. Can he really let her handle this?

"Then what should I do with him?" Kagura asked.

"Uh well, just normal stuff that two people do on a day off. Walk around town, maybe visit the shopping district or watch a movie, stuff like that. Of course there will be eating out, Toshi will cover that. So please, try to make him enjoy himself for once. Can you do that, China?" Kondo asked her.

"Leave it to me, Gorilla!" Kagura declared, saluting again.

Kondo sighed in relief. Now all the trouble he went through to get Hijikata to go on this day off would pay off...sort of.

This wasn't what he originally planned but China was pretty positive and energetic, maybe that will rub off on Toshi.

The two began to prepare for the 'job'.

While Kondo readied the details of the job for Kagura, she went to wash up and change.

She came back all ready to go out.

"Okay, here's where you're supposed to meet him and uh..." Kondo paused, he wasn't sure how to say this.

"What is it Gorilla? Hurry up, it's almost the meeting time." Kagura told him.

"Well, You see, Toshi didn't want to take a day off today because we've been busy lately so I had to uh, tell him that he is doing a mission instead." Kondo told her.

"What kind of mission involves me taking him around town?" Kagura asked skeptically.

"I told him that he had to escort an Amanto royalty around Edo." Kondo admitted.

Kagura immediately perked up.

"Huhu! Well they do call me the queen of Kabuki-cho." She boasted.

"Don't worry, since it's an order from me, I'm sure he will still take you around even if he complains about it." Kondo told her.

"Goodluck China, and do your best!" He sent her off.

"Aye sir!" Kagura saluted one last time.

"Ah, I'm not Natsu." Kondo commented as he watched her skip to the meeting location.

The scene began to swirl.

End of flash back.

"Ugh, that made me dizzy just now." Kagura said, covering her mouth.

"Don't throw up here!" Gin shouted. He nudged Kagura away from him.

"Oy! how the hell does something like that make you dizzy?" Shinpachi asked.

"Ah China, don't come near me, I don't want to be vomited on. But Hijikata-san does so you should go to him." Sougo said as he too nudged Kagura away and shifted her towards Hijikata.

"F*ck you, Sougo! China stop that! Get a hold of yourself!" Hijikata growled, he grabbed Yamazaki and placed him between Kagura and Himself.

"C-china-san! Don't! Vice-chief please let me go!" Yamazaki panicked.

"Ah Kagura-chan are you okay? Here, eat this." Otae said as she took out a tupper ware of her anti-matter eggs with a smile.

"What are you doing Aneue!? Are you trying to make it worse?" Shinpachi shouted.

"And what the hell are all you doing fooling around? Where are your reactions to the flash back we just saw?" Shinpachi added.

The fooling around instantly ceased.

They all straightened themselves out.

"Well we all know who is ultimately at fault here." Otae stated.

Kondo squeaked in fear.

"Yeah, now that we've seen what really happened, there's no other culprit." Sougo agreed.

"Geez, and I got tricked too, into this 'mission'. Well, the person at fault will pay for it all." Hijikata added, getting his sword ready.

"Yup, It's obvious isn't it?" Kagura said.

"There's only one person who actually was the real reason for this." Shinpachi said.

"Thank goodness there are no innocent bystanders around. The culprit is really gonna get it." Yamazaki commented.

"Alright everyone, let's get this over with!" Gin shouted, majestically taking out Lake Toya and leading the way towards Kondo, whom had been crawling away ever so slowly ever since the flash back started and everyone was distracted.

Gin's great shadow loomed even bigger with the setting sun's rays.

A gust of wind made his robe flap in a dramatic fashion.

The wood of his sword shined as if made of steel.

His eyes were sharpened and fo-

"WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU! IT WAS YOUR FAULT ALL ALONG, YOU DAMN DRUNK PERM HEAD!" Six assailants shouted, jumping Gintoki.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wa-! GYAAAAHHH!"

* * *

 **I probably won't write until after new year so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!  
**

 **hope your 2017 will be better than 2016!**

 **And remember, January 2017 the new season will come out! Hang in there everyone!**


	17. Chapter 15

**Teach us, Ginpachi-Sensei!**

" ** _Okay!_ It's time for another segment where I answer all the readers' reviews and questions." Ginpachi-sensei announced.**

" **There weren't any previous segments though. Those were all addressed by author's notes before. Wait! Did something happen to the author?" Shinpachi asked.**

" **Quiet down! no speaking in class, your dear sensei is having an important talk right now." Gin shouted.**

" **Nap time then." Sougo muttered, getting out his eye mask from his school bag.**

 **Next to him, Kagura, who was discreetly eating some snacks just a moment ago, was already on the desk asleep, she had slumped down the moment she had heard the words 'important talk'.**

" **Just how boring do you guys think this will be?!" Shinpachi asked his sleeping classmates, whom just snored back at him.**

" **Leave them be, Shinpachi-kun," Gin said, low-key writing both their names on the cleaning duty list for the day, "Now, to the first review!"**

 **Gin blinked at the review lsit for the latest chapter for a few moments.**

" **Huh? Um...er... Author-san? This has only two reviews though...I dunno how I will run an interesting segment with just two." He said.**

 **Silence.**

" **Um Gin-sensei, The author is sulking I think. Maybe it's better not to mention the low amount of feedback she got for this chapter. She thought this would get more since it basically revealed everything the whole story was building up to." Shinpachi informed his teacher.**

" **Hah?! Sulking? Geez, don't be so pathetic will ya? Listen here author-san, when you get this little response for a chapter you assumed would be big, isn't that a good thing?" Gin asked.**

 **To the surprise of the classroom, the scene started to go into static and showed small cuts of a girl sulking in a corner.**

" **I-it's a good thing?" The girl meekly asked.**

" **Huh? Is that the author?" Hijikata asked.**

" **She really is sulking." Shinpachi commented, his face dark.**

" **Of course it's a good thing. That means the big reveal was so shocking that they had no words to say." Gin stated in a matter of fact tone.**

 **The rest of the class gave him looks of disappointment at the obvious lie he pulled and used on a currently emotional person.**

 **The sulking author looked at Gin in silence for a few seconds.**

 **The class by then started to suspect that she had figured it out.**

 **Their sensei of course was sweat dropping by now.**

" **Ah! Is that so? Haha! I see." The author said with a huge smile.**

" **She believed that bull#$%!" The class exclaimed in disbelief.**

" **Of course! Now to start on these reviews. You see Author-san, the ones that actually reviewed are those trying to get favoritism. Like how a teacher's pet is to a teacher. Like shinpachi-kun here." Gin said.**

" **I'm not trying to get favor with a bad teacher like you! Oy!" Shinpachi shrieked, "Also, don't insult the only two reviewers will you!?"**

" **I'm not insulting them. Because they reviewed, they get mentioned in-story like this. They should be happy, right SolitaryGray? Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu?" Gin asked, pointing straight at the readers/Viewers.**

" **Also pet-kun, get sensei some water will you? My throat got dry from saying those long names." Gin ordered the teacher's pet.**

" **Don't stop writing my name entirely!" The teacher's pet shrieked.**

" **Um sensei, I have a question. What's 'OkiKagu'?" Kondo asked with his hand raised.**

" **Ah! Oy! Who brought their pet gorilla to school!? I'll seriously put you on detention, dammit!" Gin shouted.**

" **Sensei! That's not a pet gorilla, it's one of your students: Kondo-san!" The teacher's b#$ch exclaimed.**

 **Kondo had instantly gone into depressed mode and was letting out gorilla juices (drool and tears) on his desk.**

" **And stop calling me that!" The teacher's $%#% shrieked.**

" **What is that word after "Teacher's" supposed to be this time?! Oy author, do you hate me or something?" Shinpachi-sama asked.**

" **Ah! she called you something super respectful just now though." Madao commented.**

" **Argh! Geez! I don't care anymore, just using my name is fine!" Shin-Shin complained, pulling at his hair in frustration.**

" **This time, she called you something almost similar to a dirty word." Madao pointed out.**

" **Oy! Stop it! What the hell happened to the review responses huh?!" Pachi-boy shrieked.**

 **In the meantime, Ginpachi-sensei had already written down all the names of those that talked since he started the segment, on the day's cleaning duty list.**

" **Oy! Why am I written as ch*n ch*n!?" Shinpachi exclaimed.**

 **Madao had his in full caps -lock M.A.D.A.O while Sougo had his as 'Oki' and Kagura's as 'Kagu'.**

" **Ah so that's what 'OkiKagu' is" Kondo commented.**

" **Now that that's all settled, time for the first review!" Gin announced.**

" **You should have done that earlier though." Shinpachi muttered, totally exhausted from non stop straight manning.**

" **First of all, Congrats SolitarGray, you did guess right! though mostly it's because the author was too lazy to make a better cliff-hanger in the previous chapter." Gin said.**

 **The screen turned to static instantly and showed the author going back to her corner and sulking again.**

" **Secondly, to answer your question, the 'Da-!' in the previous chapters was...just the author being lazy again and also she totally forgot about it. Don't underestimate the idiocy of the author, dammit!" Gin shouted.**

" **Oy! don't make it worse sensei! Ah! What is she doing?" Shinpachi exclaimed.**

 **The screen turned into static again and revealed the author writing 'Sorry' over and over again on a piece of paper.**

…

" **Well, the 'Da-!' that the author meant before was -"**

" **You're totally trying to ignore it, sensei!" Shinpachi shrieked.**

" **Shut up Shinpachi! We're running out of time for the segment, I'll fix it later, geez!" Gin whispered fiercly.**

" **What was I saying again? Oh right, the 'Da-!' was actually to mislead readers so they wouldn't guess it was a job and still think it was a date. What the author meant for them to say was 'Damn job!' but she forgot to address and explain that in the latest chapter so we are doing it here." Gin said.**

" **Ah, I get it. Since both the characters on the job found the job a pain, plus the fact that they both have rude manners of speaking, the 'damn job!' would have made sense!" Madao exclaimed at the revelation.**

" **Oy author-san, This section is okay and all, to explain your writing mistakes, but don't make Madao sound smart just so you can back up your explanations." Gin commented.**

" **That hurts sensei!" Madao exclaimed.**

" **Shut it! Oy! Who brought a cockroach to class?! I'll put you on detention with the guy who brought their pet gorilla!" Gin-sensei shouted.**

" **N-now to the next and last review-!" Shinpachi tried to say.**

" **Oy Pachi! What the hell are you doing huh?! This is my section!" Gin shouted, shoving Shinpachi away from his scene.**

" **Now to the next and ONLY other review!" Gin shouted straight at the viewers/readers.**

" **You didn't have to emphasize the 'only'" a small voice sobbed.**

 **The screen turned to static again and showed the author in her corner. She was surrounded by pieces of paper filled with the word 'sorry' and, to the horror of the class, was now working on a new stack of paper with the word 'only' written over and over again.**

" **Just how desperate are you for screen time!? I'll apologize to you later so stop doing the static thing! It's creepy ya know!?" Gin shrieked.**

 **The screen turned normal again.**

 **Gin read the review from Currently-addicted-to-OkiKagu for a few seconds.**

 **He then looked directly into the screen.**

" **Oy...WHO ARE YOU CALLING A STUPID PERM HEAD!?"**

 **Ginpachi sensei instantly transformed into his Gintoki form and pulled out lake toya.**

" **I can't help it if my hair is curly, dammit! People should stop using it as an insult! It hurts ya know!?" He half shouted, half cried whilst waving his wooden sword in the air.**

" **Well you are a stupid perm-head." The whole class muttered under their breath (Kagura and Sougo muttered it in their sleep.)**

" **WHAT WAS THAT?! THAT'S IT! EVERYONE IS ON CLEANING DUTY AND DETENTION! THAT INCLUDES BOTH OF YOU SOLITARYGRAY AND CURRENTLY-ADDICTED-TO-OKIKAGU!"**

 **End of Segment.**

Gintoki continued to be beat mercilessly.

"If you had only been there to take this job, **which was yours in the first place** , we wouldn't have all wasted our time on this misunderstanding, right, Gin-san?" Otae asked the man she was kicking with a smile.

Of course this was the only logical reason that was said during the beating.

"My dreams of discount Otsu-chan merchandise got played with today, dammit!" Shinpachi shrieked whilst in the fray.

"I couldn't smoke properly the whole day cuz that damn china brat kept complaining about it!" Hijikata growled.

"I had to go to how many pachinko parlors to look for you today! My cherry-boy status almost got destroyed by an old lady in one of them!" Yamazaki complained.

"I missed Laputa because I had to take your job, idiot curly!" Kagura shouted.

"I'm disappointed in your inability to kill Hijikata-san today, boss!" Sougo complained.

"You get more scenes in both the anime and manga with Otae-san than I do, damn yorozuya!" Kondo shouted.

"What the hell kind of reason is that, damn stalker?" Otae shrieked as she landed a drop kick on his face.

Next thing they knew, half of them were beating on Gin and the others were on Kondo.

"Stop mistaking my room for my sister's dammit! You know how embarrassing it is for a guy to catch another guy seeing him do 'that' !?" Shinpachi shrieked as he attacked Kondo.

"Just because it gave the vice-chief high blood pressure doesn't mean you had to ban my badminton in the headquarters, damn chief!" Yamazaki shouted.

"Why the hell did you even think of this 'day off' plan? Why the hell would I want to spend a day off with that idiot perm head or black-hole stomached china!?" Hijikata growled.

"Why would you give a guy a job while he is drunk huh? Surely I wouldn't remember that and not go to it! Damn gorilla!" Gin shouted as he stomped at Kondo.

The ones beating on Kondo paused.

They stared at Gintoki, whom was now trying to get his toe unstuck from Kondo's nostril.

"If you're here, who are they beating?!" They all exclaimed.

"Gyaah! Kagura-chan! Okita-san! Stoooop!" Shinpachi shrieked as he got hit with another attack from the rivals.

After rushing to stop the rivals from killing Shinpachi out of idiotic sadism and fun, the whole group stood calmly staring at each other, unsure of what to do now.

"First of all, let's stop trying to kill the one's at fault." Gin said, breaking the silence.

"I agree." Kondo added.

"That's because the one's to blame are both of you bastards!" the rest shouted as the two received a shower of things thrown at them.

"Wait, if you really think about it. Yes, the ones to blame for putting Vice chief and China-san on this job was the chief and boss but the one that got us all involved and made this misunderstanding happen was … actually Captain Okita." Yamazaki said.

"Oy Yamazaki, you wanna die?" Okita asked, his sword suddenly appearing under the spy's throat.

"Wait a minute, Yamazaki-san is right!" Shinpachi exclaimed, "We all got informed about this by Okita-san. He got all of us involved and this misunderstanding to escalate."

"Hah! I knew the sadist had something to do with it!" Kagura declared.

"Oh so you guys want to blame me now? I just thought that Hijikata-san was preying on a young uh girl like China and that it was my duty to inform her guardians about it." Sougo stated with a very innocent face.

"Like hell you were concerned about china! You just wanted them to beat me up!" Hijikata growled at his subordinate.

"Of course, also that." Sougo admitted with the same innocent facial expression, "Plus, Hijikata-san, you did do some pretty weird ***** cough * disgusting * cough * things that helped fuel the misunderstanding."

"Oh yeah? Like what!?" Hijikata asked. He grabbed onto Sougo's collar threateningly. Of course this did not get any reaction from the sadist.

"You didn't do anything to her even though she was mostly rude to you. I know you have a stick up your a#$ so any other person would have got cut by you. Yet you let China get away with it." Sougo stated.

"Like hell I'd try to cut this little monster here, she'd probably bend my sword with her bare hands." Hijikata explained

"Speaking of hands, You also held Kagura-chan's hand a lot." Shinpachi added. He remmebred the horror of seeing it the first time.

"It couldn't be helped, dammit! Kondo-san did say this was a job to look after a 'royal' amanto. If I lost this brat in the crowd I'd have failed, wouldn't I?" Hijikata once again explained.

"Ah, you also wiped her mouth with your handkerchief. That was really disgusting Hijikata-san, how will you make up for the amount I threw up, Hijikata-san?" Okita asked.

"Shut up you damn bastard! And I did that because as I said, I thought this was a job to 'look after' the China girl!" Hijikata growled.

"You were also pretty nice to her, Vice chief. You don't ever buy people stuff unless it has a purpose. Like buying a parfait for Boss so he does a job request." Yamazaki said.

"You really think I'm stupid enough to deny this brat food after seeing her beat the sh#t out of her own co-workers for that kind of reason?" Hijikata asked.

"You did deny her food though." Shinpachi commented.

"Shut up! That was a miscalculation on her greediness!" Hijikata growled, "Also, how the hell do you guys manage to feed her when you guys are dirt-poor!?"

"We don't know either, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi replied honestly, his face dark with painful, hungry memories.

"Well, at least we now know the vice-chief isn't a pedophile like we initially thought." Yamazaki said with a relieved face. ("I'll seriously beat you, Yamazaki!" Hijikata warned.)

"Geez, And here I thought I found some real dirt on Hijikata-san." Sougo muttered, the vice-chief being a loli-con indeed made him disgusted, but it would have been a new thing to use in his 'Give Hijikata hell' hobby, especially black mail wise.

"You're never gonna get dirt on me, but you're definitely covered in blackness and dirt, you little demon!" Hijikata growled.

"That's disgusting, sadist. Why would you ever think I'd be on a date with mayora? I'm way out of his league." Kagura said.

"Sorry we every suspected you of being a loli-con, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi apologized.

He bowed to the Vice chief, who has had a very rough day.

Suddenly, Gintoki approached Hijikata.

"Ah, I knew you had it in you, boss. Go ahead and kill him, who cares if he wasn't really dating China, I'm sure he still did something wrong." Sougo cheered him on.

"Shut it you bastard!" Hijikata shouted at his subordinate, he then turned to Gintoki.

Gintoki looked at him straight in the eye and said:

"Oy, If it was me that went with you today, would you... have bought me food (parfaits, parfaits, parfaits.) too if I asked you to?" Gin asked very, very seriously.

Hijikata took out a cigarette and lit it, he took a whiff and blew it out dramatically.

"No" He replied.

"Bastard Cheapskate!" Gin shouted.

"Dirt-poor sugar addict!" Hijikata threw back.

"Oy Kagura! Shinpachi! We're going home! These bastards have done nothing but waste my day and make my hang over worse!" Gin called at his kids.

"You wasted your own day, Gin-san and the hang over is your fault too." Shinpachi commented.

"Oy Gorilla, I still expect to be paid for today!" Kagura informed the chief.

"Well for all the trouble that happened today, you deserve it, China." Kondo admitted.

"Oy Jimmy, I want my pay too!" Gin said.

"Hah?! What pay? You did nothing you bastard!" Hijikata pointed out.

The two were on each others faces once again.

"Um Captain Okita, I kind of promised the boss twenty parfaits and a free kick at any shinsengumi member's b*lls so that he would come here with me." Yamazaki told Sougo.

Sougo looked at him silently for a moment.

"Goodluck with that, Jimmy." Sougo said with a hand on Jim-Ah! Yamazaki's shoulder, before walking ahead and leaving Yamazaki calculating how much twenty parfaits actually costs.

"Captain!" Yamazaki cried as he got the the total amount.

Otae watched them.

Even though Gin had mentioned going home first, with the two younger ones, somehow, they were all walking together as a group, each having little conversations and battles.

She smiled to herself.

"Despite what they say or do, they really do get along." she commented as she too made her way home, a safe few paces away from them.

The light of the setting sun shone upon a group of eight, making their way through the streets of Edo.

At the front of the group, a white haired and black haired man were arguing and trying to walk faster than the other.

"I'm walking first, dammit!" the white haired man declared.

"I ain't gonna let you be in the lead!" the black haired man returned.

Behind them was a young woman who seemed to be consoling a very exhausted looking glasses and a plain faced man.

The glasses was muttering something about taking a break from straight-manning for a while.

The plain faced man was chanting '13,000 yen' over and over again.

Looking closer, the plain faced man was also dragging the arm of a passed out gorilla looking man, behind him.

The gorilla man was muttering 'Otae-san' in his unconscious state.

And behind this group, the only silent pair followed.

This pair consisted of a orange haired girl and a-

"Just say our name's dammit! Why am I only 'glasses' huh?" The glasses suddenly shrieked.

"Shin-chan, I thought you were taking a break?" Otae asked her little brother.

"This is the last one for a while. I'm tired." Shinpachi declared, going back to his exhausted, demure state.

Sougo glanced at Kagura.

Why wasn't the normally talkative China girl not saying anything?

The silence was starting to feel awkward.

Maybe he should insult her?

"Oy stop staring at me, it's creeping me out." Kagura suddenly said.

"Huh? Who would stare at you? The word 'Ugly' popped into my head just now and my eyes instinctively looked at the thing that defined it." Sougo deadpanned.

"Shut up! Seriously though, this whole mess was your fault. Why did you even follow us around? That's damn creepy." Kagura told him.

"As I said, I thought I finally caught Hijikata-san doing something that could ruin him." Okita explained.

"That's a stupid reason, you damn Sadist! Look at the mess it caused! Even my innocence was questioned! Ah my poor maiden heart!" Kagura exclaimed dramatically, "Look at all the people you got involved because of your stupid misunderstanding of the situation."

They looked at the ones walking ahead of them.

Gin, Kondo and Shinpachi all sported bruises, Yamazaki and Hijikata had empty wallets and Otae, well Otae had a tragically broken a nail on one of the first two's mentioned faces.

"You should be glad, China." Sougo suddenly said after a while.

"Huh? Why? I'm not a sick sadist like you that's happy causing people pain." She snapped.

"Well, even though it was a misunderstanding and entirely not the real situation, All these people came for you. You have all these idiots that care this much for you. If you ask me, that's pretty lucky of you and something you should be happy about." Okita explained in a rare moment of honesty.

Damn, he really needed to rechrage his sadist meter after this crappy day.

"If all this happened because these people thought you were on a date,...When you do get a real boyfriend, I'd feel sorry for the poor bastard." Sougo continued.

Silence followed after his speech.

Shit! He should not have opened his mouth, What the hell was he saying anyway? This was nice and Kaiser does not do nice.

Maybe he should insult her.

"Oy sadist..." she finally spoke.

Sougo turned to look at her, only to have his breath complety get caught in his throat.

The China was smiling at him.

A real genuine smile.

Yeah, he had called it disgusting when she had smiled like this to Hijikata earlier but it was totally different, now that it was directed at him.

"When I do get a boyfriend, You don't have to worry about him, uh huh!" she said, "I won't be with someone that isn't strong in the first place, plus, If he gave me enough sukonbu, I'll protect him from all my beloved over protective idiots when the time comes!" she declared, smiling wider.

Sougo stared.

A whirlwind of different emotions was currently hitting him.

As he thought...he should just insult her.

"Unfortunately for you, That time will never come though. No one would want to be a gluttonous, no sex appeal, brat's boyfriend." Sougo told her.

Her smile instantly disappeared.

She attacked him with a spinning kick.

He easily avoided it and came at her with kick of his own.

"You really are rotten to the core, damn sadist!" Kagura growled.

"And you're ugly through and through, miss piggy!" Okita insulted back.

The next day.

At the Yorozuya's, the doorbell rang.

"Kagura-chan, can you get that? I'm busy trying to vacuum Sadaharu's sledded fur." Shinpachi said.

"That's not Sadaharu's, Shinpachi, Gin-chan is just going bald." Kagura said, as she passed by Shinpachi trying to clean up a pile of white hair on the couch.

"Hah? Really?!" Shinpachi exclaimed.

Kagura opened the door, she saw no one there. Instead, Kagura found a package left on the doorstep.

It took her a moment to understand what was written on the box.

"To: China Kagura, From: Kaiser Anonymous."

Kagura didn't know how to react.

She took it inside and showed Shinpachi.

"You should open it, but be careful, Kagura-chan, the moment you hear any beeping or ticking, throw it outside." He said nervously.

Kagura slowly opened the box.

"Ah! It's Sukonbu!" She exclaimed.

"That's great Kagura-chan, you don't have to buy more for a while." Shinpachi commented.

"What are you talking about, Shinpachi? This will last me only a few days." She told him.

"Just how much Sukonbu do you eat per day!?" Shinpachi shrieked.

"Oy Pachi-boy, want some?" Kagura suddenly asked.

Shinpachi was awestruck, Kagura NEVER shared her favorite snack. His head remembered very well all the punches she gave him after he dared touch any of it in the past.

"S-sure!" Shinpachi replied. His hand shook as he took a strip out of the box she held out.

He popped it into his mouth.

"KYAAAAHHH!" he screamed.

"What's on it, Shinpachi? Poison? Acid? Poop?" Kagura asked.

Of course! Shinpachi thought, there was no way Kagura would share sukonbu out of the kindness of her own heart.

"T-ta-tabasco!" He shreiked, grabbing at his throat.

"Tch! I knew it!" Kagura said, she carried the box again, "That damn sadist!" she said.

Yet she found herself smiling a bit as she, instead of throwing it out, took the box to her closet and stored it in the lower shelf.

Only as she closed the door did she rememeber the conversation her and the sadist had yesterday about boyfriends.

" _If he gave me enough sukonbu, I'll protect him from all my beloved over protective idiots when the time comes!"_

Kagura shook her head a few times.

"No way that is happening, uh huh!" she said to herself.

She went to get water for Shinpachi and continued on with her day.


	18. Chapter 16 END

Unbeknownst to Kagura and Shinpachi, under the stairs to the Yorozuya, were three squabbling idiots.

"Yorozuya! How dare you get in the way of Sougo's love!?" Kondo growled as he half cried and half tried to punch Gin.

"Oy, stop talking nonsense Gorilla! Soda-kun can't be in love with Kagura, Those brats are always fighting with each other! I dunno what you've started to think after all your rejections from Otae but that's not how love works!" Gin replied as he defended himself from the Gorilla's snot and weak swipes.

"Oy yeah? You're confident it ain't love, huh? Then why'd you lace the Sukonbu Sougo sent, with Tabasco?" Hijikata asked.

He was holding Kondo back from Gin and at the same time, trying to avoid getting hit with the gorilla juices his chief was excreting.

"That was so Kagura would stop eating it the moment she tasted the first bite! This is Soichirou-kun we are talking about, he probably laced that sukonbu with something worse." Gintoki replied, "Just watch, after eating just one strip of it, Pachi-boy will soon start having diarrhea or start growing mold on his crotch or something!"

"That mold was probably already there though." Kondo mutters, "But you didn't have to ruin a present that Sougo sent with love! Do you know how hard a time that boy has being honest with his feelings?!" Kondo added in a shriek reminiscent of a mother crying about her son.

"Kondo-san, it's probably better this way." Hijikata said.

"Why, Toshi? Don't you want our boy to be happy?" Kondo asked through tears. ("Whose boy?!" Hijikata growled, "I don't remember fathering the anti-Christ!")

Gin and Kondo stared at Hijikata for an answer.

"Well, it's obvious isn't it? If Those two are this crazy and destructive as rivals, just imagine how much more outrageous it will be if they become a couple and put together that destructiveness as a team." Hijikata explained.

"Edo will be obliterated!" Kondo exclaimed in horror as images of the possibilities flashed before his eyes.

" _A-apocalypse!_ " Gin stuttered in fear.

Hijikata nodded darkly.

"As I said, it's better this way." Hijikata repeated, "Let's go, Kondo-san."

He walked up to Gin.

"I never thought I'd say this but, You have my thanks." Hijikata told Gin.

Kondo wiped his face and followed his subordinate.

"Good job, Yorozuya." He said before leaving as well.

Gintoki was left alone under the stairs.

He stood there silently for a few moments.

"This was for the best." He stated as he too left. He had an appointment with Yamazaki at the family restaurant where they served his favorite parfaits.

There, where the three had stood earlier, was a single empty Tabasco bottle.

* * *

At the Yorozuya's:

"T-thank y-you Ack!" A coughing Shinpachi said. He had five empty cups of water in front of him.  
"Thank you!" Kagura said with a smile as she brushed some shedding fur onto Gin's pillow just to give him a balding scare.

At the family restaurant:

"Thanks!" Gin said in between spoons of parfait,"Keep them coming, Jimmy!"  
"Thank you..." Said a very depressed Yamazaki as he rang the bell for the waitress.

At the Streets of Edo:

"Thanks." Hijikata said with a smirk. He also had a day off today and this time, he was going to spend it at the mayonnaise sale at Ghostco.  
"Thank you!" Kondo whispered from behind a food stall. He couldn't talk louder or else Otae would catch him.  
"Thank you!" Otae said with a smile. She cracked her fist, ready to take out the trash behind a nearby food stall.  
"Huh? why do I have to say thanks?" Sougo asked as he roamed around Edo, bored again.  
"I get to say thanks too even though I only had a tiny scene last chapter?" Madao asked, "Well I'm kind of shy but thanks!" he said then resumed his attempt to reach the hundred yen coin under a vending machine.

The screen turned into static:

"Thank you for sticking with me and this story! Hope you had a great time reading it!" The author said, bowing.  
"Oy, you're saying too much, you'll come off too desperate for feedback on your story." Gintoki said, popping out of nowhere.  
"R-really? then how should I end this goodbye section?" The author asked.

"Simple." Gin said with utter confidence...

"Oy all you readers! if you got something to say, review! if you like it, favorite! and if you want more from author-san, follow!" Gin declared.

He spun dramatically, "Just do it!"

BYE BYE AND THANK YOU!


	19. Extra

**How and why Kondo came up with the 'job' for Gin and Hijikata to go out on a day off:**

Kondo was once again stalking his beloved Otae-san.

She was currently in the kitchen cooking and Kondo thought it wise to wait for her under the dinning room floor.

In the meantime, he preoccupied himself with thinking about the concerns currently plaguing him.

First on his list was how he should never again accidentally go to Shinpachi's room instead of Otae's at night.

The 'activity' he caught Shinpachi doing one too many times made it really awkward for both of them.

He wanted to be a good future Brother-in-law to the younger man though.

Earlier today, he had left some of his own stash of 'special' magazines under Shinpachi's pillow.

Kondo smiled approvingly at his own thoughtfulness.

Next on his concerns was Sougo.

The boy was constantly causing trouble for Toshi.

Kondo couldn't bring himself to choose sides when those two had conflict.

Maybe he should find Sougo a new way to occupy himself aside from torturing poor Toshi.

What do teenage guys do nowadays?

Kondo waved off the 'they 'did' teenage girls' thought from his head.

No normal teenage girl could handle their Sougo, he'd turn them into total M's in an instant.

The only girl he knew that stood her ground against the Shinsengumi sadist was the Yorozuya's China girl.

Oh! Perhaps he should arrange ways that they could interact with each other more?

He doubted any romantic progress would happen anytime soon with those two but at least it would lessen the time Sougo spent going after Toshi.

Well, that was solved.

The next thing was the most puzzling for Kondo.

Toshi and his, in Kondo's opinion, quite sad life style right now.

Aside from being the vice-chief and a mayonnaise addict, Toshi didn't have much else going for him.

Kondo wanted him to have more fun in life but what could he possibly do to help Toshi have that?

"Love." A voice said beside him.

Kondo turned his head only to find Sa-chan.

"You! What are you doing here?" He whispered.

"Gin-san is coming over here soon and I thought I'd prepare before hand." She replied as if it was totally normal.

Now they were both under the floor boards.

"What did you say before? Also, how the hell did you hear my thoughts?" Kondo asked.

"Nevermind about that, You were asking what you can do for that subordinate of yours, the answer is Love." Sa-chan told him.

Kondo had to blink a few times, he swore he just saw actual pink hearts floating around the ninja.

"L-love?" He asked. Kondo never thought about that. He couldn't bring himself to think of Toshi loving anyone else but Mitsuba-dono.

" _Yes_ , Love. If you found that boy of yours some love, he'd be living a full life like you wanted. As full as the life I'm living now with Gin-san Kya!" Sa-chan squealed.

Kondo stopped himself from commenting on her delusions with the Yorozuya.

"Well you make a good point, but who could Toshi possibly fall in love with?" Kondo asked. He thought of all the women he is sort of acquainted, Toshi barely even knew them as well.

The guy doesnt really closely interact much with the opposite sex.

He may be popular with women but he couldn't care less about getting one.

"How am I supposed to know? He's your subordinate, damn gorilla!" Sa-chan told Kondo.

"I'm thinking..." Kondo muttered.

Sa-chan sighed.

"Try to think of a person that's alike to him, someone he can work well together with. Someone he is himself with and both know each others worst traits." She advised.

Was there really someone like that? Kondo asked himself.

He thought long and hard.

In the meantime, the yorozuya bunch had arrived at the Shimura house.

"Good evening you two, come in. Dinner's just about ready." Otae greeted Kagura and Gin.

"You did not happen to be the one cooking the dinner, did ya?" Gin asked cautiously.

He instantly received a kick in the face.

"Of course, is there a problem with that?" Otae asked, smiling.

"N-no! None at all. Also Otae, could you kick me again? You know, so I can be knocked out already before your cooking knocks me out." Gin said.

He got another kick as requested and Kagura was asked by Otae to drag him to the dinning room.

"Ah ah! Ouch! Um Kagura-san?! Please don't pull me by my hair, I'm gonna go bald, dammit!" Gin pleaded, the kid of course ignored him and continued to drag him by his locks towards their impending doom ah! I mean dinner.

"There's no point Gin-chan, You're already going bald anyway. I know you found hairs on your pillow." Kagura told him.

"Shut up, brat! I know you put those there! Those hairs belong to that mutt of yous! They don't smell like my strawberry shampoo at all!" Gin yelled.

While Kagura and Gin argued about his questionable balding, Kondo had come to a conclusion.

"Someone that is like Toshi, someone he works well with, someone that knows his mayonnaise addiction and other bad sides, someone Toshi is himself with." Kondo recited, "I should have seen it before!"

He turned to Sa-chan.

"Hey, thanks a lot! I figured it out!" Kondo said excitedly.

"Oh? Who?" Sa-chan asked offhandedly, she was busy trying to check the back of Gintoki's head for any signs of balding.

"The Yorozuy boss!" Kondo announced happily.

Gintoki fit the categories perfectly. From all their interactions, Kondo noted how well Gin worked with Hijikata, no matter how much they fought. He also noticed that both had weird food addictions and other similar traits. They have seen each other at their worst and at their best. Gintoki was a perfect match.

"What!?" Sa-chan almost screamed, "Gin-san is mine!"

"Hmp! We'll see about that! I've got just the perfect plan to get them on a date." Kondo declared.

He would trick them by saying it was a job and get them to spend the day together.

"Just try taking Gin-san away." Sa-chan warned.

"Toshi can beat you an-" But Kondo didn't get to finish.

Unfortunately, Their argument had alerted the others to their presence.

"Ah, I found a gorilla and a pig under the floor. My my, we're not running a zoo here, so LEAVE!" and at 'leave' she grabbed both of the stalkers and sent them flying.

"Woah Anego! That's a new record! Look how far the Gorilla flew!" Kagura exclaimed.

"Thank you, Kagura-chan. Now that that's taken care of, Let's eat!" Otae declared.

And once again, poison control visited the Shimura household.

The night before Gintoki's 'job' with Hijikata.

"Sorry old man, I think that's enough for me tonight." Gin apologized to the bar keeper.

"A bit early isn't it?" The keeper asked.

"I got a job tomorrow, usually I wouldn't care but this time I'm gonna get paid big for it." Gin told him.

The gorilla had promised Gin quite the monetary reward as well as a coupon booklet for one of Edo's famous sweet shops.

On his way back to his house, Gin took a detour to an alley to throw up.

Giving Sa-chan the perfect opportunity to knock him out.

He won't wake up until well passed the time to meet that Shinsengumi Vice-chief.

"Hmp! I did warn you, Gorilla, there's no way I'm letting anyone else get Gin-san!" Sa-chan said with a laugh as she glided over the rooftops of Edo.


End file.
